When my husband died, I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I had no idea how I was going to survive. Wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. There were times I wished I had died with him. I had no idea how to be a solo parent. My son needed his father and I was a poor substitute. The only way I knew to make it through each day was to pray. Rely on my faith.
My faith has carried me through the darkest times of my life. Without my faith, I have no idea where I would be today. And there are people that have said did you ever doubt God? Did you ever lose your faith? And the question I get the most, did you ever get angry that God didn’t give Jared a miracle? That got me thinking about my faith and a lot about miracles. And I realized God’s given us so, so many miracles. Not always the ones I prayed for but miracles nonetheless.
God did not choose to heal Jared of his lung infection. For some reason, God did not choose to heal Jared of chronic rejection. For a reason I will never know, God did not choose to heal Jared from cystic fibrosis. Miracles I wish had happened. Prayed for daily. And yet, now I can see He gave us so many other miracles.
Jared’s first lung transplant, miracle.
Our beautiful baby boy born from our only chance at IVF, another miracle.
Jared’s second lung transplant, definitely a miracle.
Jared surviving sepsis and waking up without any deficiencies, something I call a miracle.
Jared surviving his massive brain clot for all those years before we ever even knew it existed, I say that was a miracle.
Jared waking up on Tuesday in the hospital after they told us on Monday he wouldn’t survive the day, absolutely a miracle.
Steven prayed that God would just let his daddy come home for a few days and he did. And Jared came home for 5 more days. I call that a miracle.
Even though God did not choose to provide us with the miracle of healing Jared, he granted us with so many other miracles.
In the years I was married to Jared I often had doctors tell me, I can’t explain it. I’ve never seen this before. No one else has ever recovered from this. Jared loved to tell them, “I proved you wrong.” And the reason Jared proved them wrong, God. There is no other explanation. Anytime Jared was having a procedure, or surgery, or was sick, we prayed. We always put our faith in God. I remember when he was going to have his first bronchoscopy we were so worried. Which is kind of funny now because in the grand scheme of things a bronchoscopy is such a minor procedure. But we prayed for peace, we prayed for God to be with the doctors, we prayed for Jared to be safe. And I remember Jared telling me that as they were giving him the medicine to go to sleep, he would simply pray the Our Father. So that became our tradition. Any time he was having any kind of procedure or any kind of surgery, we would pray the Our Father and have faith. When I had to have an emergency C-section to have Steven, and we both almost died, I will never forget in the midst of the chaos as tears were streaming down my face and I was praying for God to save my baby, I remember Jared getting really close and just praying in my ear. And later when we talked about it he said I didn’t know what else to do so I just prayed.
I can’t tell you how many times over the 16 years we were together I felt so helpless, so lost and all I could do was pray. And granted God did not always answer my prayers with a yes. Sometimes He said no. And I don’t know why He didn’t know say yes. But I still have faith. And even though He did not cure Jared of his illness, I share the stories of Jared’s multiple miracles all the time. I share the story of our faith. And maybe, just maybe, our story will lead someone else to having faith, to feeling hopeful, and finding peace..
So as I try to pick up the pieces of my life now, I’m going to once again start looking for miracles. Because they are there, if you just have faith and look with your heart. God shows us His love every day. I just have to look for it. And hopefully by sharing Jared’s story and sharing my story, I will encourage others to find their own miracles from heaven. Because my family is living proof that miracles do exist.