Do you still grieve 7 years later?
Yes, I have been asked that question.
I will always grieve the loss of Jared.
Always.
And I will always grieve Steven’s loss.
Grieve that my little boy has to know the reality of burying his dad.
Grieve that his dad is missing so much.
Grieve that Steven will never again know the feeling of having his dad, the man that loved him unconditionally, alive and well and in his life.
I am blessed to see Steven grow up and become a wonderful young man but his dad is missing it. So I grieve Jared’s loss too. I always will.
Seven years later, there are times my grief is more about my son‘s loss. And his father’s loss. Then my loss. The moments Jared has missed. The moments Steven has missed out on having his dad there. Those are the moments that hurt my heart the most.
That’s the thing I’ve learned about grief, it changes over time.
In the beginning, it was raw. Brutal. A pain unlike any other. A constant reminder..
Now it’s more than an old injury. Tolerable. Not always front and center in my mind. But can still flare up and knock me to my knees.
I will always carry Jared in my heart.
So I will always grieve.
And yet, life is good again.
Most days I am truly happy.
Grief is forever.
On some days I grieve deeply.
Days when I realize how much my son has lost.
Day when I think about how much his dad has missed out on.
Those days, the grief is deep. Forefront in my mind.
And on other days, the grief is less.
But every day it is there.
And every day I make the choice to live.
Not despite my grief.
But because of it.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.