This week has been a challenge and I did not handle it the way I should have. I recognize that and own that I made mistakes when it came to my grief this week. Instead of taking on the moment feeling the feelings and moving on. I decided to numb the pain was a better plan than feeling. This week I am at our county fair which is a high trigger for me. This is the time I am going without him and I knew it was going to be hard but visiting with the memories was not something I prepared for.
I can handle one memory, but the fair has multiple memories like a minefield that I have to carefully step around to not get sad. But you cannot run from grief. And numbing the pain only makes it worse when you are no longer numbing. Drinking has been something I have been doing but that is not the best plan for it. Because as the buzz wore off the memories and feelings come crashing back on me leaving me drowning in my grief.
I see him everywhere there. Trimming a sheep, Showing, walking around even the food choices I make. My partner in life is missing and my mind is still trying to make sense of it all. His absence is felt all over. I can picture what he would be doing and at times I drift to a memory of the past. This picture is one of my favorites and is how I see him now face turned away from me just wishing he would turn around.
Seeing people, I haven’t in two years and them not knowing what to do. Do you bring up the dead husband or act like it didn’t happen? But then my mind takes a journey down a rabbit hole is it possible they don’t know. What if they ask me how he is? I can’t handle both the weirdness of others and the memories.
This week has been a bit of a setback. It has left me emotionally and physically drained. It has reminded me that I am quick to anger these days. Quick to want to fight. Let that anger sit in. Yesterday I felt it come to the surface. I was about to embrace it when I went hold on what are you doing this is not your fight. Visiting his memories has left me going back through the grief stages.
I know that there are going to be times that are hard. Visiting places, we went together. Hearing others talk about him. Knowing that my love is missing, and I need to move through those memories, and if that means I am numb until I get home and I can fall apart then that is what I do. If I need to take a moment to be alone and just picture him there with me, I do that. Laying in our bed at night with my weighted blanket picturing him laying behind me.
I come home every night to our room which is pretty much the same as the day he left. I watch TV still avoiding things we watched together. Video games still not playing because memories are powerful. They make it hard to breathe. They throw off my sleep pattern and make it so I am exhausted after getting plenty of sleep. Forgetting he is gone because I have been visiting his memories. Wishing he is going to be walking in the door in a minute.
Having a setback sucks. I am worried about the next month. We are coming up on eleven months. How is that possible he was just here with me yesterday? This week taught me that I need to cope better with grief waves. That I need to tell people when I am not okay and not just paste a happy smile on my face. It is more exhausting to act happy than to say I am falling apart people be patient with my heart. I just need to be widow strong.