It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone
‘Cause you went away
How dare you?
I’ll miss you
They say I’ll be okay
But I’m not going to ever get over you
Miranda Lambert said it best – On my way into work I drove by and saw it in stone and had this overwhelming feeling to just scream at the top of my lungs “WHY”, but instead I took a deep breath and talked to him and then this song came on. Her words were exactly how I was feeling and I just wanted to bust out crying. This week so far has been one of those weeks were everything that has happened has made me miss him terribly and wish he was here so bad. I always feel and wish that, but somedays/weeks I’ve learned how to deal with it better. In the grief world we would say, “I’m having one of those Grief Wave weeks”. It’s all the little things that are once again catching up with me. I have worked so hard to be able to deal with weeks like this better, but still….. My daughter was talking to me last night and out of the blue told me, “I don’t have anyone that would protect me like daddy would” and my heart sank. She’s right, one of Bryan’s jobs was to protect us, or at least I always felt that way. He was our protector and the one that would give us the best hugs and remind us that everything was going to be all right when we were having bad days. We miss that so badly. I asked my family to share what they miss the most about Bryan and one thing his death has taught them. I thought I would share some of their responses. Here they are:
Connie (our aunt): It has taught me how death divides a family, and you never know who is next – She misses his laugh and his death has left an “empty chair” at our table.
My Mom: It has taught her to not take life for granted, your next breath is not guaranteed and to not let a day go by without letting your family know you love them – She misses our Sunday dinners, his advice, our family vacations and all the fun we had.
Sandy, my sister: She misses his sarcastic remarks he always made about everything (the two of them were very similar and always joked around) and his grin he would give after he made his remark. She misses seeing him in pictures we take now.
Madison, our daughter: It’s taught her that life is more important than the little things you stress over, that life is to short not to do the things you want to do, to enjoy every minute and to appreciate the little things about everybody. Also, you can never have too many pictures. She misses talking to him, hugs from him and pitching with him (she was a softball pitcher) and she misses having somebody who agrees with her and takes her side during arguments with me and her brother.
I felt it was important to share this because Bryan’s death didn’t only turn our world upside down, it effected our entire family. I think sometimes I forget how badly they miss him and also how they miss the “old” Brandi, Madison & Aiden. Death has away of changing things for everyone it effects and I know that I will never get “over” loosing Bryan but I am learning how to get through loosing him. Minute by Minute, hour by hour, day by day…. That’s what we all do and to allow yourself to have those “grief weeks”.
Sending Hope, Peace and Love..