It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone
‘Cause you went away
How dare you?
I’ll miss you
They say I’ll be okay
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Miranda Lambert said it best – On my way into work I drove by and saw it in stone and had this overwhelming feeling to just scream at the top of my lungs “WHY”, but instead I took a deep breath and talked to him and then this song came on. Her words were exactly how I was feeling and I just wanted to bust out crying. This week so far has been one of those weeks were everything that has happened has made me miss him terribly and wish he was here so bad. I always feel and wish that, but somedays/weeks I’ve learned how to deal with it better. In the grief world we would say, “I’m having one of those Grief Wave weeks”. It’s all the little things that are once again catching up with me. I have worked so hard to be able to deal with weeks like this better, but still….. My daughter was talking to me last night and out of the blue told me, “I don’t have anyone that would protect me like daddy would” and my heart sank. She’s right, one of Bryan’s jobs was to protect us, or at least I always felt that way. He was our protector and the one that would give us the best hugs and remind us that everything was going to be all right when we were having bad days. We miss that so badly. I asked my family to share what they miss the most about Bryan and one thing his death has taught them. I thought I would share some of their responses. Here they are:

Connie (our aunt): It has taught me how death divides a family, and you never know who is next – She misses his laugh and his death has left an “empty chair” at our table.

My Mom: It has taught her to not take life for granted, your next breath is not guaranteed and to not let a day go by without letting your family know you love them – She misses our Sunday dinners, his advice, our family vacations and all the fun we had.

Sandy, my sister: She misses his sarcastic remarks he always made about everything (the two of them were very similar and always joked around) and his grin he would give after he made his remark. She misses seeing him in pictures we take now.

Madison, our daughter: It’s taught her that life is more important than the little things you stress over, that life is to short not to do the things you want to do, to enjoy every minute and to appreciate the little things about everybody. Also, you can never have too many pictures. She misses talking to him, hugs from him and pitching with him (she was a softball pitcher) and she misses having somebody who agrees with her and takes her side during arguments with me and her brother.

I felt it was important to share this because Bryan’s death didn’t only turn our world upside down, it effected our entire family. I think sometimes I forget how badly they miss him and also how they miss the “old” Brandi, Madison & Aiden. Death has away of changing things for everyone it effects and I know that I will never get “over” loosing Bryan but I am learning how to get through loosing him. Minute by Minute, hour by hour, day by day…. That’s what we all do and to allow yourself to have those “grief weeks”.

Sending Hope, Peace and Love..

 

About 

Brandi never expected to be a widow, she always thought they would grow old together. They had plans, big plans, of early retirement and enjoying “retired life” together and everything that was to come with that. Bryan was her first and only love. They began their journey together when she was 15, he was 17. They would go on to build a beautiful life together, have 2 children, a girl first and then a beautiful bouncing boy. They were living their American Dream. But God had other plans and on Thursday, December 15, 2016, the unimaginable happened. While they were on the phone together, both at work, he died from a massive heart attack. In total disbelief and despair, she got to him and saw what would become the most tragic thing she could have ever imagined, her 39-year-old husband no longer there with them. He was gone, just like that. Instead of planning his 40th. birthday party, she was planning his funeral. Her life and the life of her 15-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son were completely shattered. She was left alone, heartbroken, and now her biggest job, a single mom. Brandi had no idea what she was to do. The hardest job was mothering grieving children while completely in the depth of grief herself. The widowhood journey for her has been the most difficult thing she has ever done. She quickly learned that “widowhood” was also a “sisterhood” and one that no one understood unless you were part of it. Brandy was thankful to have found a handful of friends that unfortunately knew what she was going through. She took to journaling, reaching out to widow sisters, and of course therapy. Brandi ended every journal entry with a prayer for peace and hope. The widow fog is finally lifting and she is finally at a place where she feels Peace & Hope. The joy is returning as she continues to learn new things about herself and raising two children. Brandi is at a place in her journey where she feels as if she has a lot to say and can possibly be of some help to someone who has felt so lost, such despair and grief so deep. You can also find her personal blog here:

blog: awidowsjourneyfph.wordpress.com/blog