One year. 365 days. How has this happened? It is not possible. But it has been and that age-old saying that “time heals all wounds” yeah that is a lie. Time has made it so I can bear my grief most days I am okay. But there will be days that I crumble.
September 26, 2012 Matt said I love you for the first time. I could not remember that until I saw a Facebook memory today that should us marking our relationship. It came flooding back to me. Stilling in my truck getting ready to leave his head in the window asking me for my thoughts. I told him I didn’t want to share cause I had said it before and gotten nothing in return. But when I said it this time he said it back. I got home to see confirm your relationship. My heart broke in half again Monday in the kitchen at work.
No, it doesn’t feel like a year has passed since I saw his face. Heard his voice. Held his hand. I screamed why God? And I never blame God. But this week I am not seeing the why in losing my love. I just want him back.
In the last year, I have been through many ups and downs. I have done them alone without my partner in life. Hating most of it. Surviving the other times. Giving in to my grief. Realizing the world continues to spin. It did not stop because my love died.
I told my best friend that love is stupid and her response “it’s not stupid. It is stupid when the love of your life dies on you.” I responded with they don’t tell you about that in the happily ever after. But I would do it all over knowing how it ends. I didn’t get long enough with the love of my life.
The thing that I still don’t understand is why everyone thinks I should have moved on. Make comments about it. Well, it has only been a year and my heart still belongs to this amazing man that happens to not roam the earth. There are times I think I am ready and then there are times where I know that my heart will forever be owned by him.
Missing my other half is something that I am used to but I am still struggling with. Forever going on the roller coaster of emotions. Feeling drained but unable to sleep. Daydreaming what my life would be like if he happened to still be alive. What our life would be like? Would he be sitting next to me watching this crappy movie?
Out of all the weeks to have my dog get sick it was this week. She has had a cough that got progressively worse. Druzy is 13 so naturally, we all know where my head went. I feared the worse that my dog my baby was going to die. The good news is she is okay, and I let my paranoia get the best of me. My anxiety was at like 100 percent.
That is the thing about my grief it has made my anxiety different. Most days when I am feeling numb my anxiety is nonexistent but when I am not numb it makes the simplest of days 100x worse. I have gotten to the point where I no longer want to always call Matt when an anxiety attack strikes. That took months to conquer and I am not going to lie there are still days it happens. And my heart breaks all over again.
One of the things I regret was that I did not try to find help for my anxiety while he was still alive. We had talked about it but I didn’t think I needed the help. Our marriage would have been far different. I would not have been as paranoid about the status of our relationship. I would not have wondered if he was still attracted to me. Maybe I would have been able to feel more safe and secure in our relationship and now.
Saturday, Oct 2
My nephew and I are in Lake George with Matt’s family for the weekend. I wanted to be here but at the same time didn’t. My heart is hurting and I want to hide in a hole and not face the world.
I woke up and just didn’t want to get out of bed, I wanted to stay under the covers and just curl up. The only thing I wanted was to roll over and find him sleeping next to me. Wishing the last 365 days had been a dream.
I heard the boys ( Matt’s son and my nephew) making noise from the next room and knew it was time to get out of bed. Tiernan needed breakfast and I had something to do. Facing another day alone.
After breakfast, I was struggling a bit with my emotions so the boys and I took a walk around the campgrounds. Then the family went on a hike. I was enjoying walking alone just imagining him next to me. Trying not to think about how much I wanted to cry.
Today at 3:06 pm marked one year since Matt died. At 5:20 I felt the familiar ache I use to on Fridays marking the one year since I found out. The moment my heart broke.
Yesterday I was wondering what it was like for my dad to have police officers show up to the house needing me and not telling him why. It wasn’t until the one was telling me over the phone that the other could tell him. How that must have been for him to know that I getting my heart broke and he wasn’t there to fix it. My dad came and got me that day. He told my mom I needed to go to the hospital and see the body and he was correct. My dad and mom have been amazing this last year being the support I needed. Understanding that this pain is not something they can fix.
It has been one year and my heart still breaks on a daily basis when the thought of him pops in. The last year has taught me you can not fix what is broken you can only carry it. Most days I carry it but there are times I break down and I know my most amazing support people are there to pick up the pieces and tell me it is okay to be sad. They all loved Matt and miss him too. They talk about him with me. We say his name and keep him alive. One year ago today my heart and soul broke and I wish like hell I could say I am healed but I am not. I still fight demons and still hurt. I have sought therapy and continue to write and draw so others know they are not alone.
Tonight I am not okay. I am breaking and hurting. I drank too much trying to numb my feelings but as we were all sitting there laughing my heart was just missing him. I have been crying for 2 hours. I asked my brother-in-law to watch the boys while I went back to the camper and just broke down. I called my friend Shelby so she could talk me through this. A year later and I still just fall apart.
I am still fighting a bit of depression but I know it will be okay that I will be okay. My love may not be here anymore but I still am and I need to live for the two of us. He would want me to be happy and I am working on that.
I am emotionally drained and hurting. The only thing I want is to be alone. Being around people requires energy I don’t have. I need to act happy and I can’t do that at the moment.
Last night Tiernan said that when I disappeared he was wondering what was wrong then he looked at the date. The teenager understood that I was struggling with his dad being gone and he was okay. This whole weekend I have been trying to protect him from seeing the sadness welling up inside.
I wanted to be a mom so bad and that was a dream I gave up on. Having the boys with me always makes me wish I had the chance to live my dream with my love. He is not coming home though and after a year I should be able to comprehend that but my brain can’t. My heart can’t.
So as I sit here on this bench watching the boys play I imagine him sitting next to me. As the boys were walking yesterday and I snapped a photo of them I could see Matt walking with them. He might not be physically here but he is here in our hearts.
Forever and always I will love you Matt.