I left my heart in Charleston.
My son officially started his college career. And he has chosen the path less traveled. He is attending a military college, playing football, and participating in ROTC. Plus he will have a rigorous class schedule. Because it is a military college, we will have no communication for a week. None. And I can’t see him until October. That is hard on my mama heart.
Leaving my son today felt like I was losing him. Saying goodbye to the life we had known. Facing the uncertainity of what is to come.
It reminded me a lot of losing my late husband. Of widowhood. Of grief.
And I don’t like it.
I don’t want to feel those emotions again.
I promised myself I would not cry if front of my son. That I had to be strong for him. That I could lose it and bawl my eyes out later when I was alone.
It’s just how I felt when his dad died.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t expect this momentous occasion to feel so much like grief.
My son didn’t die. He’s just moving three states away to go to college. So why am I grieving?
This should be a joyous day. He has worked hard to achieve his dreams. I should be celebrating his accomplishments. Instead I feel like my heart is breaking.
I know the road ahead is going to be challenging. For both of us. He will face many challenges in the upcoming weeks. And I can’t help him. He has to figure it out in his own. And I know he will because he is strong and resilient. He has tools and resources at his disposal. Many which he learned to utilize because of grief.
The hard part for me will be walking through my front door and him not being there. His chair being empty at the dinner table. His clothes in the closet but him not being home to wear them. We will no longer say goodnight at the end of each day. His bed will no longer be slept in.
So much like when I lost Jared.
This life changing moment that I thought I was prepared for has triggered my grief.
My world is changing and I have no control to stop it.
Just like Jared’s death.
Just like grief.