I am a workaholic and would rather be at home alone than go out. To move on and start dating I am trying online dating. And it has not worked in my favor yet.

When I first got this brilliant idea to try to date last year, I had men match with me then ask me why I was single. Find out that I was a widow and then just ghost me. Back then I was just looking for something casual I couldn’t wrap my head around dating.

When my grandma’s health deteriorated more last year my only focus was work and her and gave up on dating for a while. The only reason I was thinking about dating was that she kept telling me I should. I took a year to figure out who I am and what I want in a relationship.

Now I am trying to get back out there and don’t know where to begin. Matt and I met at work became friends and then started to date six months later. But I know I would never date anyone that I work with again because although it worked out working together added stress to our relationship.

The first go around I was on Bumble but this time I wanted to try something different, so I went on Hinge. A week later I was on both. But as I have said in another post, I tend to say no to people without much thought.

When I was on Coffee Meets Bagel the one thing I did not like was that there was a timeline to talk. One of the guys asked to take the conversation off the app which I was okay with, so I gave him my number and never heard anything more. My guess is that he googled the number to find out who I was.

That is the issue with online dating. Even if I don’t tell them I am a widow they can find out. And as much as I want to believe men in their 30s can handle that kind of baggage, I don’t think there are many that can.

The other thing I find great is when they just swipe right then once you match and send a message, they unmatched without answering. I don’t hide that I am curvy or that I own a farm. I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I am okay with that. And if a man can only see what is in an online profile without getting to know the real me then that is their loss.

The greatest thing about being a widow is that I know what love is and what it should feel like. I will not settle for anything better than I deserve. I waited until I was 23 to meet and date Matt so I can play the long game again if it means finding someone that can handle me.

Online dating is not easy but if you are like me and don’t want to go to a bar in hopes of meeting someone and your friends have no one to match you with it might be the only option. Don’t give up if it seems like you are not finding someone right away. I have been back on the apps since November and still have not found one person.

This is a step towards moving forward for me. And maybe someday I will go on a date from one of these online dating apps or maybe I will meet someone in person and just know as I did with Matt. I believe in love and if I am meant to have a second chance God will make sure it happens.


Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.