Videos and Memories

I came across videos of a trip Rick and I took 14 years ago this month. He knew going to Cornwall to explore the land of my ancestors had been a life-long dream and we spent five glorious days in England. We then met up with my son and his wife to explore several other countries in Europe. It was a trip of a lifetime.

I was going through the trip photos in my Dropbox folder and discovered the short videos I took using one of those little Flip video cameras available at the time. I forgot the videos existed! As I opened them one by one, I watched my husband being silly and playful, saw videos of him driving us down the narrow treacherous paths through the countryside, and even found one of us dining together in a restaurant in Germany with my son and his wife, where my daughter-in-law turned the camera on the two of us, providing me with a rare video of us together.

When I finished watching all the videos, I felt almost paralyzed. I was so overcome seeing these unexpected memories of that time we shared, that I didn’t know HOW I felt. And, of course, I started to cry and did so for probably two hours. As my grief therapist once told me, as time goes on, there will come a stage where there are very few new memories, so uncovering one I haven’t explored will be a shock to the system.

I thought I had seen every photo, visited every place we shared, touched every memento and piece of clothing that was his. But, out of nowhere, there was something I had not seen since he died, a memory I hadn’t uncovered. A memory I hadn’t grieved.

I guess I entered one of those rooms in the house of grief that I had never entered and processed before. After five years, it was unsettling, but what a bonus to discover those videos. Once I recovered from the shock and the grief of once again facing the fact that we will never explore the world together, I remembered to be thankful for the beautiful life we once shared. I’m so grateful for experiencing his love for me and for the adventures we enjoyed together.

FIVE YEARS
You died five years ago
That fact alone
Can make my head spin

Five years remembering
And grieving
And longing for you

Five years of quietness
And solitude
And hearing your voice only in my head

Five years of relearning
What life felt like
Before I met you

Five years of discovering
That I can survive, and thrive
But miss you all the same

Five years of memories
Created on my own
Without you by my side

Five years of knowing
That I was luckier than I ever realized
To spend twenty years with you

About Katherine Billings-Palmer

Katherine Billings Palmer is a retired technical writer and author who lost her husband to lung cancer shortly after celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. She began writing through her grief in an online journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry on her personal blog: The Writing Widow.

Katherine published a series called “A Widow’s Words,” three books composed of essays and poetry about her struggles to cope with and work through her grief. She also published a small book of poetry, I Wanted to Grow Old With You; a humorous book of anecdotes from her grandsons, I Didn't See That Coming; and her most recent book, A Grieving Heart: Poems of Love, Loss, and Healing for Widows and Widowers, which includes more than 60 poems about coping with grief.

All books are available in print and ebook through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Kobo.

Katherine’s biography and blog can be found at her website: The Writing Woman. She also posts her poetry and prose on Instagram, TikTok, Bluesky, and Substack @thewritingwoman.

Websites: thewritingwoman.com and thewritingwidow.com
Amazon: katherine-palmer
Instagram: @thewritingwidow and @thewritingwomandotcom
LinkedIn: katherinegpalmer
TikTok: @thewritingwoman
Substack: @thewritingwoman
Bluesky: @thewritingwoman.bsky.social
Pinterest: TheWritingWidow