What is the hardest day of your week?
Every week without fail the hardest day in my grief is Sunday. With Saturday as a close second. Weekends are especially rough because a lot of traditional work schedules provide weekends off. Children aren’t in school, their parents in a lot of cases are free from work obligations and lots of complete family units do all that fun, big happy family type of stuff. ,Community events, birthday parties, vacations, beach day trips, camping, fairs,…this all tends to happen on the weekends.
But worst of all, are Sundays. I try to attend church faithfully. This has been a foundation in my life since my babyhood and I believe what the bible teaches on its importance, but oh the pain of sitting in that pew without my husband beside me. With a boy in my lap and one by my side, I’m supposed to help them feel comfortable and at home there, but reality is I feel so empty and exposed as I sit without their Daddy beside us. I look across the sanctuary at all the complete families. Husbands with their arms around their wife’s shoulders and beside her a full row of children like little ducklings all in a line. Some families seem to have it all together. And I ask those famous questions that never come with answers. Why did this happen to me and not them? Why do things seem to be “hunky dory” for these others families and not for me and my boys?
Music plays and always seems to touch a place of deeper sorrow than mere words can. I cry without expecting to. I cry and people see me. I hate that. Sermons about marriage, parenting, and suffering sometimes sting when I hear them. Particularly when messages about the pain and tribulations of Job are taught by congregation church members who seem to have experienced very little of their own personal sufferings. How can they even relate or understand? People watch me parent and muddle through the church routine and I wonder what they are thinking. Is it pity? Is it opinions on how I parent or should be parenting? Is it compassion but they are nervous because they don’t know what to say to me?
After finding a way to help my kiddos with their separation anxiety and to get through a short time in children’s church, it is over. Whew, we can leave. I see happy families, complete with Mom and Dad scurrying away to their happy lives and important plans. Big Sunday dinners at home to prepare or other fun plans for their families. They take it for granted I would imagine. After all, they are just doing what families are supposed to do. They don’t seem to realize the amazing treasure and gift they have in their love and in their completeness.
I wonder what is the hardest day of the week on your grief journey ?
In Hope & Prayers,
This Widow Mama