The Most Difficult Time of the Year
Oh Christmas…. ‘Tis the season for mixed emotions. Sappy Hallmark movies, Christmas tunes at the local department stores about being in love at Christmas time. Smooches under the mistletoe, snuggles by the fire and family traditions. Memories of the past joy of this season morph into zaps of pain. Christmas Eve services at church filled with pews of complete little cozy families singing away those jolly carols. Awkward gatherings of family and friends whom have no idea how to relate to me now that I am a “me” instead of a “we”. Getting through Christmas time is like the Olympics of widowhood for so many of us. And even for those whom aren’t specifically widows, many view Christmas on either one of two extremes. They either love this time of year or hate it.
I personally find myself kind of in the middle. My husband and I used to love Christmas. We were always singing carols. We’d start watching those famous Hallmark movies as early as October. Started Christmas shopping and wrapping long before that and did every special Christmas thing possible crammed into December. I have many fond memories of holding hands under falling snow and gazing at lights. I was so happy then that I feel like my eyes must have sparkled just like the Christmas lights, but now…..they do not. We used to wake up as a zany, giddy, enthusiastic couple on Christmas morning like two big kids, So excited for another year of sharing Christmas together. As a little family of four we had so many traditions, but most important of all to us was the message of hope and Christmas’ true meaning. The humble Savior of the world, laying in a manger. Jesus. The one who had arrived to rescue us and to bring us hope.
This year, I am bouncing around between two major emotions. On some days it is the sense of feeling totally disconnected from the happy emotions of Christmas time and simply going through the motions for the sake of my boys. Doing it but not feeling it at all like I used to. Some days it feels like just another day and I hope it just comes and goes quickly.
On other days…… I just want to celebrate because I realized something in a new way. The Christmas our culture wants to project is one that’s all about ourselves. What we want under the tree. Our love life. Our happy family. The couple in love. Christmas has become romanticized and commercialized such that we think that if you aren’t in love and don’t have the life you want this Christmas, then you have failed and there is nothing about Christmas this is for you. But that couldn’t be any father for the truth.
I can rejoice this Christmas because I can celebrate the fact that God sent Jesus, the light of the world into this world of the darkness of sin and death on a rescue mission, completely motivated by selfless love and humility in order to forgive us, redeem us and give us a forever life in heaven someday. If it were not for Christmas, I would never have the eternal reunion with my husband I am so desperate for.
If it wasn’t for Christmas, this broken world is all there would be, and that would be quite a hopeless thing to look forward to. I can celebrate this hope of a much better life ahead that never ends this Christmas season whether I am married, single, widowed, young, old, or anything else.
Christmas is the gift of hope and joy for all, even on the days that I don’t “feel it.”
I have heard the hope of Jesus described as our living hope. I am so thankful that this living hope is finally the type of hope that can never die. I cannot lose it and on my darkest of days here muddling through sorrow, it is the only thing that keeps me going.
It is my prayer that a glimpse of this hope might touch and encourage your hurting heart this Christmas.
In Hope & Prayers,
This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.