The month of May brings a mixture of complex emotions. On May 1, 2015, my husband died at 10:30pm at a local hospital after resting (sedated) there for only 3 days. The memories of that day and time are still fresh as though it happened yesterday. The events and moments leading up to that eventful time are not even important, but I still remember everything I did that day and what happened. Those events used to be played over and over again in my mind, questioning what I could have done differently or was there time to have intervened? Years ago, I ceased to ask those silly questions, as it would not change the turn of events.
This year, when May 1st rolled around, I posted pictures on Facebook and heard from people who also remember his smile, friendliness and benefited in some way from his life on earth. It actually made this anniversary reflection easier to handle, but brought up thoughts and a feeling of deep loss and grief.
I know many people who celebrate birthdays in May, including our daughter. I am quickly reminded to shift the focus of my emotions from dwelling on her dad’s death anniversary to preparing to gather family and friends to celebrate her birthday. I remember the dilemma I had after her father’s death- do I hold a funeral near her birthday (2 weeks after May 1st) or attempt to quickly separate the two May events by holding the funeral a week after his death? How fast can out-of-town family members travel to attend, and if pushed the funeral back to the end of the month of May, would her birthday celebration forever be tainted and stained with loss memories? Most people don’t realize the choices families are pushed to make when holding a funeral or a celebration of life service. It’s not an easy decision nor should it be. I chose to hold his funeral a week afterwards, thus allowing for out-of-town travel guests to attend and depart, and still be able to provide a celebratory 21st birthday event for her.
Today as I write this blog, earlier I watched online a video of a dear friend’s mothers funeral. The family had to determine the best date to hold the ceremony to accommodate traveling arrangements of family and friends, which often stretches the grief process out longer. I chose to not attend in person, as a May funeral only deepens my memories of that day nine years ago. The beauty of having a true friend is I know she understands and knows I’ll spend time with her later when guests will leave, and she’ll have her own mother memories and grief.
Also earlier today, another woman I know is funeralizing her husband. While not close friends, we did socialize a few times as couples over the past years. My heart is sad for her now becoming a widow and traveling that grief journey only another widow fully understands. I sent her a card yesterday and mentioned I will reach out to her to schedule time to visit later. I remember the rush of events that often transpire immediately after a death and want to allow her time for the shock to wear off (if it ever really does). Learning to sleep alone, handling finances, adjusting to no conversations at home all take time to get used to and are part of the grief process. I’m glad she is a believer in Jesus and has strong faith which will help her get through those dark, lonely days and nights. I continue to pray.
We each have certain months during the year where the pain is stronger, the nights are long from tossing and turning in bed with those reoccurring thoughts of the past. Seems like every year the month of May adds more grief and sorrow to my life while I continue to celebrate those alive. It’s a natural dilemma of life that I’m learning to adjust to. Sad days, happy days, days of darkness and days of joys. It a paradox that hits me hard every year, but I thank God for the grace to get through the month.
About Ajai Blue-Saunders
Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.
Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.
My love and condolences to you. This brings memories to me as my husband passed away unexpectedly in May also, just two years ago. My kids and me remember him saying good night to us on May 1 with a smile and a hug as he always did. And that was our last interaction with him. Thank you for sharing this. Sending much love and peace to you and your daughter. My daughter turned 21 too this April.