I miss my husband every minute of every day. When the good things happen, I want to rush home and tell him all about every detail. When I am weary, the day was a let down, and things don’t go as planned, it is his reassuring voice and loving embrace that I long for.
As a widow, my heart so often feels homeless and adrift. He was my home and my safe place, and every day all of my hard wiring inside is screaming that I just want to go home. I just want my life back. I want the man I love, the life we built together and delighted to be living together. I want my best friend, always there to share the load, lighten the moment, and love me unconditionally. The one who shared in the decision making for all things big and small that I could look to, for making the final decision when I feel indecisive or overwhelmed.
When I imagined being a parent, I was never dreaming of making every decision for our children, health, home, and everything else all alone. The weight of that much resting on my shoulders is a little terrifying sometimes. Clearly this situation is strikingly less than ideal in every single way. A lot of days I am afraid I will never feel settled or “at home” ever again.
But, when you are trying to function, solo parent, heal, and make progress, you can’t stay there in that mental place, thinking all about how frightened you are that you will never know a happiness so beautiful or a love so true ever again.
That’s why I think widows are some of the most strong and amazing human beings on earth. They keep moving forward inch by inch, day by day, and carry the heavy load onward no matter how hard it is or how sad you may feel. So you tell yourself “People are counting on you, don’t give up. Keep moving forward.”
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Yes to all of your words. The never feeling settled or at home again is something that is with me every day. I long for that feeling of home and missing him daily. Thank you for sharing this!
My husband died 3 days before he turned 40 in 2021 when our daughter were 12 & 9. Your words are a perfect explanation to this widowhood journey. Inch by inch 💔 Thank you for sharing.
I really relate to this. Unfortunately. Thank you for sharing. God Bless.
You hit the nail on the head with your statement. I lost my husband unexpectantly coming up on 7 years, two days before our daughter’s wedding. You are right, we move on one moment at a time.
Thank you so very much for sharing this message. It’s been 8 years since my husband passed, unexpectedly. And I still have the same feelings, same reactions and same thoughts as you beautifully described.
For me, it remains one day at a time.