Grief never really gets “better.”
Just a few weeks away from 3 years without my precious husband and I really don’t feel “better.” After three years comes the realization for me that there really is no such thing as better after this kind of a loss. You do your best to survive the next 5 minutes, next hour, next day, then week, and then all of a sudden even though you couldn’t imagine ever making it through even one year, you find you managed to make it through three. Widowhood seems to be the art of learning how to carry on with a significant piece of you always missing, kind of like how a person who has lost a limb has to continue living, just in a totally new and foreign way.
I look back and I can see that three years ago, I lost my life too. I didn’t die physically. My heart still beats and I awake each morning, but the way of living that I loved that felt like it made life worth living died when my husband did. So did the light in my eyes and the energizing carefree feeling of being in love. I am less of a dreamer now. Less excited for the future because I know he will never be in it, and of course more lonely. The greatest best friend I could ever have asked for was ripped away, and the wound sometimes still feels raw. I hate that I can’t talk to him. How will I ever feel better if I can’t even talk to him?
Our identity as a couple and my identity as a wife gone in a blink. My ability to parent as a Mom on a fantastic team with their Daddy, forever derailed. It is a heavy thing when you realize that living with the loss is your assignment for the rest of your life…or maybe instead of assignment we can say plague or curse. It truly does feel that way sometimes. Young widowhood in particular feels like being set apart to suffer for the rest of the decades of your life. If I live as long as my mother currently is, then I could count on another 40 years of bearing this scar, and feeling this hole in my heart. That is a daunting thing to reflect on.
Thankfully I know that I can’t always listen to my feelings. And thanks be to God for never leaving us alone in our trials and tribulations, though I don’t think I will ever understand why allowing this to happen in our lives was ever a good idea. Some things I just need to accept I was never meant to fully understand.
I relate even though I don’t want to- my husband of 33 yrs and been together 37 yrs passed away 2 and half years ago- we had our oldest son expecting our first grandchild in 5 mos and our youngest son finishing last year college and World Series baseball trip- and last year missed his wedding. And forget all the holidays no one wants to be around you because your sad or have a moment – you just remind them what they don’t have and bring sadness- I try to be upbeat and not sad but when you’ve lost your dad and mom and then you’re spouse all writhing few years it’s hard not to miss them and think “what if?” I’m sorry for your loss.
I so appreciate you sharing your story. So very sorry for your losses as well.
My broken heart breaks even more for you. No one will ever understand this feeling until it comes to their door. I don’t know how my heart keeps beating or how it can break anymore than it has. But it breaks more every day. I had so much more time with my wife than than you had with your husband. I have to remember that and be thankful. As hurtful as my journey is, I believe yours is worse. I pray for some kind of comfort for you and your children.
Thank you very much for your kind words and prayers. I am so very sorry for your loss as well.
Your words are so true. This is how I feel too. It’s two years and I’m realizing now the grief in the life the kids and me lost. I’m not sure I could process this at first, but now I realize how much is gone as I try and keep going. Thank you for sharing!
So nice to hear from you as always. it truly is amazing how different each year of grief is and yet how much the same. So much to process and work through. I pray you and your children are doing ok. I know it is hard as the holidays approach to be without husband and father.
Hi Dorothy,
I definitely understand what you’re saying.
I’m currently spending time with people who cannot walk, move properly, nor communicate effectively. Helping others seems to help me navigate this widowhood journey.
God bless you on your continuing journey.
Michèle
Hi Michele. So nice to hear from you. Volunteering and helping others is such a precious, healing thing to do. I have found that to be a blessing as well. I worked with adults and children with mobility and communication difficulties and many disabilities for 15 years. Such amazing and inspiring people for sure.