Memories are such a double-edged sword in the grief process. Some memories bring a smile to my face and the light of love to my eyes as I remember precious moments. Others quickly spiral down and trigger my traumatic memories of standing in the emergency room, watching a host of doctors and nurses try to save him. I remember the well spoken words of love and kindness from caring people that provided just the reassurance and hopeful reminder I needed at the right time. Sadly, I can’t erase the voices in my head of some loved ones who weren’t loving at all but instead were cruel, careless and inconsiderate with their words. We can’t control what we remember and when we remember it.
Now, I can look at special photos and keepsakes after three years of intense grief and I feel more warmth and comfort whereas when the loss was new and fresh, looking at the happy things of what was ripped away just felt like being stabbed in the chest. I feel blessed to remember, for memory is a gift, but sometimes I wish I could selectively erase certain memories. This is one of the greatest challenges of grief.
How do I hold my most precious memories in such a way that I carry them with me yet allow myself to move forward?
How do I let go, forgive, and re-direct my mind away from the toxic words of others or the traumatic images from a moment so life altering that it is impossible to forget?
Well, I wish I were an expert and I could share the journey of my grief with a big happily ever after grand finale and wrap it up with a pretty bow. I can’t do that. I am still meandering through the valley so to speak, right along with every other hope sister. I can share a few things that have been a help to me. I would love to hear what has been a help to all of you as well.
For me in my journey, these are a few things that have helped:
1) Realize that while I can’t control what memory pops into my head and when, I can take control of the length of time I allow it to stay there. I can be ready with an activity to focus on, a song to sing, a different preferred thought to re-direct to or a Bible verse to meditate on.
2) EMDR is a unique way to work through trauma with a trained counselor or other professional. It involves eye movements. It seems kind of strange that just moving your eyes side to side could be helpful, but I truly found that it was. Google it to learn more about what it is and the research that supports its use.
3) Work through forgiveness toward the people who made the hurtful comments. Whether intentional or unintentional, hurtful words hurt and your hurt needs to be validated. The thing about holding onto hurt is that in the end, you are only hurting yourself with bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean restoration and rebuilt trust, but it can mean release and more peace in your own heart. I am currently working through a forgiveness bible study that has been super helpful.
4) Find ways to celebrate and re-visit the memories that bring you comfort and put a smile on your face. This can be done in so many ways, maybe a slide show or album of photos, a sewn item made of your hubby’s ties or t-shirts, a special memorial or family tradition of honor for him.
5) Write things down. For me, journaling, jotting down memories and blogging have been a great help in processing this loss. I also found early on that writing down every memory of my husband that came to mind or fond memory of his personality or favorite things he said helped ease my anxiety that one day I would forget him and lose him completely. Oh how I remember that awful gut wrenching sorrow in those first few months. Sometimes even the memory of your raw past grief can be a trigger in itself.
What do you do that helps with managing your memories both the good and the bad?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.