I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I loved my husband. I have never missed anyone more than I do him. I have never been as changed by the absence of someone as much as I have been through having him suddenly ripped from my life. I had never before struggled with hope and purpose until everything I had built and loved and cherished with him felt like it disintegrated around me in the blink of an eye. 3 ½ years of living with without, and I don’t cry all the time, yet the center of me, the deepest depths of my heart miss him intensely all the time.
Waves of sorrow still crash into me and I instantly feel sick to my stomach and empty. Sometimes a memory flashes, my chest tightens and I have to remind myself to breathe. I hide the pain well. The passage of time and the demands of parenting have taught me the art of disguising the pain, but it is still there. It feels tattooed on, It feels hollow. It feels like throbbing pain and emotional numbness all rolled up into one. The emotions of grief are piercing and strong, but emotions like contentment or true happiness are hard to feel anymore. This is where the numbness is. What did it feel like to live in a state of pure joy and excitement for the future? I remember it. I am thankful to have had a few years to live in that state of blissful happiness. I know that is a rare gift to have known such a love. Somedays I fear I will never know a happiness like that again.
I will always want to go back to the life I loved, the person that I was back then when life was good and the warmth of my beautiful family. I would give anything to go back. I remember saying to people in tears that I would give my arms and legs or my sight just to have him back here with me. I just want my husband back and I don’t want to wait 30 or 40 more years of my possible life span until I get to see him again. I have made tremendous gains. My progress forward is remarkable considering the circumstances, the heartache, and my abrupt and harsh initiation into the world of solo parenting.
I don’t think I will ever get used to my life though. I still don’t want my reality. I never would have chosen this nor did I ask for it. Perhaps the point of this blog today is simply to validate the feelings of another. It is ok to be proud of your progress along your grief journey and to make improvements while also being real and bluntly honest about the presence of pain that lingers still. Grief sometimes reminds me of a new family member that brings luggage and moves in to your home. At first, he is a completely unwelcome guest, in your face 24-7, non-stop chatter, he is needy and demanding and all consuming. As time progresses, grief never moves out, but it is no longer so obnoxious. You have learned how to live with one another as peaceably as possible and you accept that life will be different now. You learn how to cope with grief’s presence even though you will never want it to be a part of your life.
How are you feeling today on your grief journey?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Image from www.canva.com, Quote from https://blog.innertune.com/uplifting-comfort-grief-quotes/
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About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
It’s been 8 months and I am still struggling with my grief and most times just leaving the house. I miss my husband so much and I am so lost and struggling along with all the stress of stuff that has to be paid. I need to try and get a job but most times I can’t even leave the house. Will that ever get any better?
Hi Lisa. I so appreciate you taking the time to share openly and honestly how your grief journey is going in the comments. Everything you are feeling is so real and so valid and it is so difficult. You deserve much praise for every effort you are making each day to put one foot ahead of the other and to move forward. It takes so much strength just to take baby steps under the weight of all of that grief. There are some wonderful programs that offer financial support to a few widows each year. This organization is accepting applications for a few grants that will be awarded and there are other organizations worth exploring. I am familiar with one called Never Alone Widows, One called Widow Might and one called perspective ministries. They may be able to provided extra support for you in this financial transition. I am not sure but it never hurts to look into things. Figuring out finances is such a terrible stress to add on top of the heartbreak of the loss. I will be praying for you. I truly believe yes that feeling of not wanting to leave the house will get better. Grief often feels like a long dark tunnel with no visible light at the end. It took me about three years of grief to start to feel my footing more solidly beneath me and to no longer cry in such a great amount. Every person grieves differently and in a unique time frame. I hope you are able to seek support wherever you can. Organizations, church, counseling, and whatever you need. No shame in an antidepressant that helps with coping to get through the day either if that was of interest to you. I also hope you don’t mind be sharing with you that God loves you very much and cares about every tear you cry. I am glad you reached out. I realize this was a much large response probably that you wanted. Thanks for being patient with my large paragraph. :0).
Thanks for being on this blog. It’s been 2 years and I have been pretending to be fine. Ok, hanging in there. In reality it’s all pretend. And I’m getting tired of pretending, of putting on my happy face. I just want to stay in bed all day. I’m glad I’m not alone. Thanks
Hi Marisa. You are very much not alone and I am so glad that my honest blogging was able to bring you a little comfort and validation for how you are feeling. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Thank you for sharing this. It is 3 years today and it’s hard to believe. When I think about my life before now, it feels surreal that I ever lived that amazing life. I can relate to your words. I miss my husband so much and the life we lived.
Thanks so much for sharing that. Surreal is such a great description of looking back a recalling that life we once lived that we aren’t able to experience any longer. I always appreciate your comments.