Progress & Pain Can Be Together

Image from www.canva.com,  Quote from https://blog.innertune.com/uplifting-comfort-grief-quotes/

I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I loved my husband. I have never missed anyone more than I do him. I have never been as changed by the absence of someone as much as I have been through having him suddenly ripped from my life. I had never before struggled with hope and purpose until everything I had built and loved and cherished with him felt like it disintegrated around me in the blink of an eye. 3 ½ years of living with without, and I don’t cry all the time, yet the center of me, the deepest depths of my heart miss him intensely all the time.

Waves of sorrow still crash into me and I instantly feel sick to my stomach and empty. Sometimes a memory flashes, my chest tightens and I have to remind myself to breathe. I hide the pain well. The passage of time and the demands of parenting have taught me the art of disguising the pain, but it is still there. It feels tattooed on, It feels hollow. It feels like throbbing pain and emotional numbness all rolled up into one. The emotions of grief are piercing and strong, but emotions like contentment or true happiness are hard to feel anymore. This is where the numbness is. What did it feel like to live in a state of pure joy and excitement for the future? I remember it. I am thankful to have had a few years to live in that state of blissful happiness. I know that is a rare gift to have known such a love. Somedays I fear I will never know a happiness like that again.

I will always want to go back to the life I loved, the person that I was back then when life was good and the warmth of my beautiful family. I would give anything to go back. I remember saying to people in tears that I would give my arms and legs or my sight just to have him back here with me. I just want my husband back and I don’t want to wait 30 or 40 more years of my possible life span until I get to see him again. I have made tremendous gains. My progress forward is remarkable considering the circumstances, the heartache, and my abrupt and harsh initiation into the world of solo parenting.

I don’t think I will ever get used to my life though. I still don’t want my reality. I never would have chosen this nor did I ask for it. Perhaps the point of this blog today is simply to validate the feelings of another. It is ok to be proud of your progress along your grief journey and to make improvements while also being real and bluntly honest about the presence of pain that lingers still. Grief sometimes reminds me of a new family member that brings luggage and moves in to your home. At first, he is a completely unwelcome guest, in your face 24-7, non-stop chatter, he is needy and demanding and all consuming. As time progresses, grief never moves out, but it is no longer so obnoxious. You have learned how to live with one another as peaceably as possible and you accept that life with be different now. You learn how to cope with grief’s presence even though you will never want it to be a part of your life.

How are you feeling today on your grief journey?

In Hope & Prayers,

From This Widow Mama

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About Dorothy Swanson

Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.