One of the biggest questions in life that we face is “Who am I,” and even though we should be the highest level of expert to be able to answer that, we sometimes stammer and stutter on the details. Through my earlier personal experiences, I have struggled endlessly and painstakingly at even attempting to respond to such a loaded question. I found myself grasping at unanchored ropes just hoping that one day I grabbed the right one that would hold the weight of not only myself, but my baggage. It would lead to failed relationships, emotional turmoil, and ongoing strain on my ability to cope with my neurodivergent conditions.
My relationship with my husband, Paco, reshaped my entire thought process on who I was and how I perceived myself. For the first time I was viewing myself favorably, even when my mental health was in its deepest valleys. I was adjoined to someone who saw my strengths, my weaknesses, my very inner being and thought it was beautiful. Something I had never experienced before. Paco reassured me day in and day out that even if I may not know who I am, he does. That even when I am in the depths of self-hatred and depression, he will love me enough for the both of us. That I was made to be exactly who I was meant to be, that I was not broken, not something that needed to be fixed or changed. He never asked me to be anything different, even when I was being incredibly annoying or pessimistic or in emotional child-like regression. Characteristics that would make most turn away quickly with their hands held up or wiping themselves clean of me. How could I hate something that my partner loves? Even in the most normal of circumstances that just doesn’t sit well with me. Let’s say your spouse loves brussels sprouts and you loath them. Wouldn’t you, out of love, still cook and work brussels sprouts into some meals just so that they can enjoy them, which in turn brings you joy (even if you have to pick them out at times)? Was I finally coming to a juncture in life where I could be happy with my brussels sprouts? Even if I don’t love my brussels sprouts, per say, could I at least get familiar enough with them to better understand who I am? You may have heard the ideology that you are unable to love someone else until you love yourself first. A notion that held a dark cloud over me, until of course, Paco. Was it possible I could love this person before ever knowing, and even more so loving myself? I can say through my own experience that it took me loving someone, who loved who I was, to finally love myself. Confusing right? I learned that I am an individual who enjoys many different creative hobbies, someone who is a caretaker at heart and always is willing to lend a listening ear. I learned that I am family oriented but also introverted, that I deeply value my personal space. I think one of the most important things I learned, and was never willing to admit about myself, was that I am deserving of love.
Now where does this leave me in the aftermath of devastation? My person, my rock, my husband has passed on to a place where his wings are well deserved. Right when the going was good, when we were coming down from the high of the wedding and settling into daily life. I lost my best friend in the prime of our lives, we had a fire lit under us to establish ourselves. Plans to build career paths, to create a family, to just enjoy each other’s company for the rest of our days. I was coming into my new identity as a devoted wife and was beside myself that I could add mother into that equation one day. I remember sitting in the Intensive Care Unit with my mother, Paco laying in front of us, in tears all I could say was “I am a 30-year-old widow.” Within about a 36-hour timespan every single identity label I had cherished, that my husband cherished about me, had shattered into a million pieces. A black shroud was placed around my shoulders, causing me to mentally settle into one single label: “WIDOW”. You would have thought it was tattooed across my forehead. I was nothing more, nothing less than a woman who had lost her husband. There was no wife anymore, no career driven woman anymore, no Shanna anymore. Everything I thought I was, and could be, was buried with my husband four days later. It felt wrong going back to the home we shared, I was a complete stranger there. My dogs and cats were more than eager to welcome me back home in the aftershock, something I always enjoyed and felt fulfilled by when coming home from work for example, yet I was at emotional arm’s length from them. I wasn’t the mommy they once knew; I am a widow now. My niece and nephew wanted to play outside and make crafts. I wasn’t an aunt anymore; I am a widow now. I went back to work and couldn’t help myself from sharing it with anyone willing to listen that my husband passed, that I am now a widow. I think many of us have felt that way. When our other half passed away it was truly just that; half of us, if not more, vanished. Everything we had known about ourselves, had settled into and became comfortable with, gone.
I know that I am still fresh into this new chapter of life, not even past the first few words (considering I am only nine and a half months in), but personal growth is undeniable, and I hope that sharing some of my newfound belief systems can help you as well. I recognize that I will persistently be evolving, which is the first factor to come to terms with. I am not the same person I was before my husband, while I had my husband, and of course now without my husband. As much as I would like to be the person I was when Paco was alive, I can never be that person again because he is no longer here and that is the simple truth. Accepting that released a burden I was unintentionally putting on myself. Yet just because I will not be that person again, does not mean a new and improved me cannot come into fruition. When I sit back and take the time to evaluate just what does this “new and improved” version of myself looks like, I also take into consideration what I want to see myself turn into as time passes. I use those tools that Paco equipped me with to not only appreciate my core qualities, but as a way to honor his memory. Valuing, nurturing, and developing who I am in this moment (and the many moments that follow) keeps alive one of my husband’s biggest resolutions. When I catch myself having even the smallest amount of self confidence in who I am, all I can do is smile and think that Paco is proud of me. I still may be unable to tell you for certain who exactly I am, but I do know that whoever that is, is worthy of love from the source.
As for you reading this, I pray that you loosen the grip that you may have on the previous chapter’s identity. Trust me, it is not easy and the strength to do so comes in waves; but you are deserving of development. Not forgetting or dismissing who you were but using that past chapter as a building block to a firm foundation. We all have characteristics that can be unfavorable at times (goodness knows I do!), but mercy and grace to those characteristics leads to self-respect which in turn leads to self-love. Each and every single one of you reading this are a precious gift to this world, it is now up to you to place the value on what is under that beautiful wrapping.
About Shanna Puckett-Anguiano
Shanna Puckett-Anguiano lost her husband after just four short months of marriage on October 1st, 2024. Shanna and Paco Anguiano were in a long-distance relationship for nearly four years prior to their marriage, as Paco was from Chiapas, Mexico. Shanna and Paco did not let the stigmas and hardships of the K1 visa come between their strong bonds. Anyone who truly knew this couple would quickly correct anyone’s doubt, with even Shanna’s father expressing his thoughts at Paco’s funeral saying, “every father’s wish is for their daughter is to find a man who loves them unconditionally, and that is exactly the man Paco was.” Paco was diagnosed with synovial sarcoma on September 20th, 2024, which coincidentally was also Shanna’s 30th birthday. Paco lost his life unexpectedly to that cancer 11 days later, a week before treatment was scheduled to begin.
Shanna continues to reside in her small hometown, located in the upstate of South Carolina. She is accompanied at home by her two dogs (Indi & Suki), two cats (Es & Sister), and college bound 18-year-old sister Emma; who lovingly moved in after the passing of Paco for support. Shanna has been a court reporter for the past 5 years and serves as chairperson of children’s ministry at her home church. She is currently in the process of obtaining additinal certifications to continue moving up in her career. Shanna has developed a donation drive in her husband’s name in celebration of his birthday in the month of July called Paco’s Smile. This drive collects material and monetary donations for her local county cancer association. Shanna is an advocate for mental health, cancer awareness, and over all kindness being spread throughout the world. She prays to carry on the legacy of her husband, Jose Francisco Ovando Anguiano, by showing grace, gratitude, and a toothy grin just as he did every day.