Do you ever find it harder than you expected to help another widow? Don’t get me wrong, I think there is an incredible unspoken sort of connection among widows because only those who have experienced this kind of pain can even come close to “getting it” when another widow is added to the club that we all don’t want to be in. There is a sisterhood and a bond that shared heartache can bring. And how often we as widows have been given insensitive or unintentionally ignorant advice from loved ones whom try as they might, just don’t “get it” because they haven’t loved and then lost the way in which we did.
I assumed I would be fairly good at helping widows one day in real, in person, face to face types of relationships. I guess in some ways I felt like an expert student in a class that I was forced to enroll in, in the school of hard knocks as they say. You can’t help but learn a lot as you struggle your way through grief. You learn a lot about how personal grief really is and how unique each journey is, but you also can learn valuable things that are common among widows. I have found success in sharing books and resources that really supported me, in sharing my story in person and in written form here as a volunteer blogger, and in trying to build meaningful relationships that provide genuine listening and empathy for those widows in my sphere of relationships.
It isn’t without its challenges though. There can be pitfalls. For example, comparison seems to be a big trap for me. For example, my dear neighbor lost her husband of almost 50 years and was quite frankly, happy and peaceful immediately following his passing and in the many weeks to follow. She even told me that she told her pastor that when people suggest to her how hard it must be, she feels strange that she is so content. She didn’t need my emotional support, nor much else. “Must be nice, to have had your husband so long, raised your kids together, watched your grandkids grow up together and to have had him until you were in your 80s.” I thought to myself. “Must be nice to know that he is in heaven and that given your age, you may not have to wait as long as I do before you are reunited with him.” As you can tell…..comparison has been a struggle for me. I love my neighbor dearly, but I was jealous of her sense of peace and positivity. I guess I was reminded in this instance that not all widows will need the kind of help that I did to cope. Not all losses have the same shock, suddenness, trauma or feeling of being cheated that mine did. But, all losses do matter, and sooner or later there will be a grief process that every widow must face.
I think being comfortable with the idea of asking clearly, and directly exactly what is needed is the best approach, and learning to accept and not take personally when help really isn’t needed is an important skill to develop. Helping someone with their loss shouldn’t be a requirement for me to heal from my loss. Sometimes my emotional need to assist someone in their time of heartache might not at all match the needs of a fellow widow, and that is OK.
How have your experiences been with helping other widows?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Image courtesy of www.canva.com
