Living without my husband feels so much like a cruel sentence. It feels like I have lost so much at a such a young age, and continuing here the remaining years of my life, separated from him at times feels so much like torture. It feels like the judge has proclaimed “I hereby sentence you to living out the rest of your life without your best friend, your safe place, and your true love. Henceforth you will walk the earth with open wounds and gaping holes in your spirit and soul and will feel brokenness like you’ve never known. Your sense of control will be obliterated, for never before in your life has it seemed this utterly out of control and never has the future seemed more scary and uncertain. Life’s moments will no longer be carefree and sadness will always be nipping at your heels. Pure joy shall never return to you and every bit of forward progress you make will involve pain and trauma waiting for you in the rear view mirrors. The pain will never escape your view.”
“Furthermore, we sentence you to a life of solo parenting and a deep kind of loneliness that words just can’t describe. You alone will make every decision on behalf of your children. Everything they need every single moment and the training that forms these two future lives entirely rests on your shoulders. You will feel burnout and stress like you have never known. You will pour out your heart each day, loving to the point of exhaustion without feeling the love and support of your husband, their father pouring back in to you.”
“And even worse, as horrible as this life sentence is, as much as you’d like to believe that this tragedy has fulfilled your quota of suffering for a lifetime, there is no guarantee that your life will be exempt from future sentences of suffering. More losses, sicknesses, accidents, hardships and heart breaks are possible, even likely. Thus pushing hope and happiness seemingly farther out of the realm of any future possibility.” It all seems so hopeless right,….So depressing.
But… thanks be to God that his specialty is taking the worst of the worst situations and transforming the painful sentences of suffering in our lives into good. His mission is redeemed lives and restored brokenness. His heart is for mending the broken pieces of our hearts back into a masterpiece of beauty. His process is painful but I must remind myself I can trust his process and his heart of love toward my children and I. Though I may never understand, I can trust his time schedule and his purposes in the midst of the pain.
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Thank you for sharing. Your words describe so much the way I feel. It has been so incredibly difficult, so much uncertainty and so many decisions for my kids and me. I try to lean on Him for His time schedule.
Always a comfort to read your comments. I am glad the post was able to put to words what so many widows are dealing with.