We, the Lonely

I was reading the other day about a new epidemic in the US.  It’s an epidemic of loneliness and it is affecting people young and old. The interesting thing about the article to me was its observation that people today have more ways to connect, gather, chat and communicate than ever before, yet most people are experiencing loneliness. Social isolation combined with workplace isolation has taken it’s toil on the emotional and physical health of people.

I will admit  after reading the article, it was refreshing to know I’m not alone in my loneliness.  To know there are millions of others out there experiencing the sad, vacant emotions of being alone, helped me NOT feel so alone. Let me explain.

Ever since my husband died 9 years ago, the opportunity to share and communicate with others have been minimized.  As widows, I know those reading this fully understand.  Our husbands were in many respects closer than our sisters, best friends and even our children- in a different way.  It is not because we can’t talk or share with others, but the deep conversations and emotions we shared with our spouses was often at a deeper level.

I remind others all the time, that the relationship between a man and woman is a covenant relationship, which is different than a blood relationship.  God honors marriages and the vows we took are not to be taken lightly.  Marriage is sacred and the bond we had with our spouses transcend time.

When that bond is broken due to death, the pain and ache can run deep into our souls, making grief and the corresponding pain last for months if not years.  As a result, we can experience a sorrowful existence, one with little joy or opportunities to relive the life we once had.

I have found the loneliness is like none I’ve ever experienced.  I no longer have my buddy, my confidant to share secret or private matters, and someone I can trust to be the holder of my dreams.  While I can share some things with best friends, not having my husband here to hold me up and bear my burdens has made life depressing at times.  A void is in my heart which transcends to my life. 

The previous pandemic even made the situation worse, and I believe was the cause of the current wave of loneliness.  People were isolated in their homes for days and weeks at a time and had to learn to find ways to settle indoors by reading and enjoying books, streaming shows on television and even virtual conversations.  Now years afterwards, people are still isolated in remote jobs with minimal conversations and families that have moved further away. As widows, we get it.

Personally, during the pandemic, I had to experience my own grief journey while recovering from a total knee replacement  and managing a nonprofit organization as the sole employee.  I had to learn the value of connecting with others via Zoom and other virtual social media platforms and was glad to be able to see and communicate with others.  Human contact is good.

But what has happened now in 2024?  Why four years after the pandemic, do people still feel alone and disconnected?  Why do I often experience life in a room with others, feeling lonely?  When I talk with other widows, the conversation always turns to the “deep ache of missing our husbands and being alone.”  So, I know I’m not the only one experiencing these feelings.  The sad part is I know I can’t make that pain go away.  No matter how I counsel, provide advice, and even pray with them, the long-lasting reality of loneliness can and will be prevalent in our lives for years to come.  I miss him.  It’s as simple as that. And nothing I can do can make him return.  It is a permanent reality that brings constant sorrow.

I can only pray it gets better for everyone, as we discover new opportunities to connect with others and find the beauty again in being alive.  I know I’m ready, but I’ll always miss him and the “sense of completeness” he brought to my life.

About Ajai Blue-Saunders

Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.

Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.