Next month will be a year that Jerry is gone. I am going through this month keeping busy subconsciously, because I think I need to avoid the triggers. It was this month last year that Chemotherapy started, and how horrible Jerry started to look, and how sad we all were hoping for more time. Hopeful that his body could handle the toxic chemo being pumped into him to give him more time. Time is what we did not have. We didn’t have time to process, say goodbye, to talk about what lies ahead.
I think that Jerry avoided that. He was scared and didn’t want to talk about “what if I am not here” We were all not ready for that.
So here I am 11 months later. I have moved back across the country, bought a home, got a dog, and completed real estate school and just past the State exam for my license. I think NOW I am ready to acknowledge how far I have come. I would like to say that at 11 months I am finally proud of myself. I couldn’t accept it before. Everyone would say how strong I was, but I just didn’t see it. I just thought I was doing what I had to do.
I go to counseling each week, I joined a spouse loss group, I joined social media groups for widows. I have come across so many journeys. There are some eerily similar to mine, and some so vastly different. But we are all in this shitty club and we stick together, and we lean on each other. We raise one another up, support one another, and cry with together. I have to say, I have never felt like I could relate to anyone like I do my fellow widows.
This journey that we are all on, each one is different. That’s the biggest thing that I have learned. Some are dating already, some still wear their rings, there are the ones that dream about their husband every night and ones that cry because they have not had a single dream yet. There is no judgment, no “tsk tsk” There is unconditional support.
We share one thing….We are looking ahead. There are women who have this clarity about what lies ahead for them, and there are some who are taking it minute by minute. I think I am a little of both it that makes sense. I am a planner, I know what I want but I also have learned that things change in an instant. Whatever lies ahead I will try to embrace it, and find happiness. I will strive to do what I feel is best for this “new me” acknowledging how strong I have been and how far I have come has given me this strength, this power, that I can find happiness. I can move forward, not move on. I can think of Jerry every single day, but now I start to smile even if there are tears, I smile. What lies ahead for me? WHO KNOWS! But I am ready.