Beep beep beep

That’s the sound of the alarm on my husband’s watch that woke him up in time for work in the mornings. He wore that watch on his left wrist every day. To work. At the gym. While working on his car. In the shower. While he slept.

Beep beep beep

It is time to wake up. I nudge him with my elbow and say something like, “Babe, get up.” He mumbles, hides his head under his pillow, and drifts back to sleep. It’s not until a little later that he finally rolls out of bed quietly.

Beep beep beep

That’s the sound of the alarm on my husband’s watch that sits in the top drawer in the nightstand beside my bed. He wore that watch every day until the day he died, and it’s been sitting in that drawer for 796 days.

I’m not quite sure why his watch ended up where it did. It was one of the last things he was touching before he died. Along with the backpack that was cut off of him at the scene of the accident- now stuffed in a box with other random things I can’t seem to get rid of. His shoes and the one sock that was sent home with me from the hospital- now on the very top shelf in a closet.

For a while, the alarm would go off and wake me up almost every morning. The time reads 4:30. I listen to the sound.

Beep beep beep

And then go back to sleep a few minutes later.

Over two years have passed since I’ve nudged him awake, since I’ve told him to get up, since I’ve worried that he’d be late for work. His watch has sat in that drawer the whole time, still sometimes waking me up in the early morning. Some mornings, my body naturally wakes up a few minutes before the alarm goes off, and I lay awake waiting, watching the time. I remember what it was like to have my husband lay in bed beside me.

And I listen.

Beep beep beep

Until today.

His watch now has a new spot in the other room where I can no longer hear the alarm in the mornings. I don’t dare mess with my husband’s original settings. It will forever stay just the way he had it, until the 10-year battery dies that is.

Truth is, I am tired of watching time. I am just tired.

796 days of listening to an alarm go off each morning when the person who set the alarm isn’t here to wake up.

796 days of missing a person that will never come back.

796 days of lost love.

796 days and counting…

All this time that I will never get back with the one I love. However, maybe not waking up at 4:30 in the morning will do me some good.

About 

Just three years and ten days after getting married, Samantha’s world took an unexpected turn when she became a widow at the age of 22. Her husband passed away in a tragic accident in May 2016 leaving behind an almost two year old son and an unborn daughter. After over a year of just surviving through her pregnancy, daughter’s birth, and various birthdays and holidays, Samantha realized that she wanted to do more than just survive- she chose to thrive. She wanted to give her children the childhoods and the mother they deserved despite her sometimes unbearable loss.

Through writing, coffee, and a whole lot of Jesus, she takes life one day at a time as she makes her way through this grief journey. She hopes that her written words will help others to heal and to have hope in their times of darknesss.

You can find Samantha on Instagram as @samiwhiteblog or Twitter: @samiwhiteblog

And her personal blog www.samiwhite.com