I can smell the memories coming back reminding me of what I was about to lose in 30 days. I can feel it in the atmosphere deep in my bones my cell memory is regurgitating all those feelings my eyes can see the nights changing, the birds are different, my ears can hear clearly, smelling the scents that remind me of my old life, our home, our life as one. Also, recollecting on what we did up until the day of September 24, 2016, which is when my life changed forever. September and every month thereafter will never be the same for me nor for my family as we knew it.. Today is August 25, 2018 and I can’t pretend that this journey has been easy however; because God, has kept me I am still standing.
As my Devan left this world and the physical door was being closed on the life we shared in the natural realm, God was opening another door that I have chosen to walk through. I have walked through the door fully, completely, relying on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I never knew grief in this way, yes I have experienced the loss of my grandparents and I lost my nephew when he was 14. However; this is so much different. Because it truly feels like something has been scooped out of me and no one can fix it. It’s going on two years yet it feels like it just happened. I feel like an alien that is learning to adapt to my new environment while everyone stares at me. Meanwhile, I am watching them go on with their day to day life. When my husband transitioned I thought the whole entire world was going to stop. Actually, I expected the whole world to stop. I mean how could anyone continue after all My Devan just transitioned. Well, life doesn’t stop just because he has completed his purpose. So if that’s the case how am I suppose to keep going without him?
God continues to answer that question for me every single day when he allows my eyes to open. I know that because I am not done with my created assignment he will continue to show me each step of the way. Realizing that grief doesn’t have an expiration date I do believe that as time moves on I will adjust to the now. I know that I will be okay and at the same time forever miss My Devan. It gets hard a lot because he is missing so many important things that are happening in my life. I also know that he would expect me to continue to elevate and never give up. And when you have loved as deeply as we did it will forever feel like a part of my soul left with him. My Devan is so deeply missed in this world by so many people yet, they will never know what my pain feels like because we were intertwined.
I never imagined that this would be my life at such a young age; however here I am. I knew that we would eventually be apart but I thought we would’ve been in our 90’s. Nonetheless, I have chosen to trust this process, this process called life. Allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel, whenever I need to. I suggest no one ever hold back in order to make others comfortable, yet you are suffering. Grief is real and you have to go through so you can get through. Just put one foot in front of the other and walk!
~Moment By Moment~