Only Two Years

October 1, 2018, and it’s 2:35 am I have been in some sort of trance since September 24, 2018, which is the date my Devan left this world. This is the 2nd September we’ve had to acknowledge without my Devan and I have been processing it all over again. This feels so very different than last year, it feels like I just received the news. The pain is so much more intense than last year maybe because last year I was still numb. I wish I could make it just away actually I wish I didn’t have to experience this at this time in my life. I wish we were 95 years old experiencing this type of pain. 

I often ask God what he wants me to do with all of this because he has allowed it all. And what I hear him say is “trust me” so with that being said how can I not trust God. When I woke up last Monday, September 24, in Tampa, I was so mad, I was mad that Devan and I had to be the ones to endure all of this. I asked God “why did Devan and I have to be the ones that people would look at and say “Wow, look how strong she is” or ‘Devan and Kim were the ultimate couple” Why did God have to make an example out of us?

I am not suggesting that I wanted someone else to be the example I just simply wondered why it had to be us. I have elevated so much in the past 2 years. I have evolved into this woman that I never knew existed or did I know she existed but chose to keep her under wraps. What was I afraid of? Maybe I was just comfortable because I had my Devan by my side so I played it safe. 

Well, God has taken my security blanket which was my husband which now means I am operating in complete faith in God. 

When I look in the mirror I see what my Devan saw after we went through the whole Breast Cancer journey in 2014 (which we won by the way) Devan would say to me “Bae, I need YOU to know that you can do whatever you want to do again. Because he knew that after fighting and God healing “us” I was different. He knew that I no longer wanted to do hair, nor be a platform artist.

One day he asked me “Bae, what do you want to do”? I didn’t know I just knew that I had lost the passion for hair but I didn’t want to admit that to him because I knew that was our thing that we did together. We started our business together and God gave that gift to us. Looking back I now understand that God was allowing my Devan to prepare me for what was about to happen. 

We were both about to elevate however, I was about to in a way I would never imagine and it was time for my husband to leave this place. I have many moments when I am deeply saddened and sometimes very angry. Now when say that I am angry I still love and trust God in spite of it all. I try to take each day “moment by moment” and feel whatever I need to feel, be wherever I  need to be, and do whatever it is God has called me to do.

Does that mean every moment is good of course not What it means is that I allow myself to truly feel everything knowing that it’s going to be better than amazing. I am excited about my life I know that because of all I’ve been through the purpose is greater than the pain. I am walking in the sunshine. And one of the many things we need to remember is that the sun will always shine after the rain.