The Shift of 2019
There is a major shift taking place right now as we come to the close of 2018. I started to feel this shift a few weeks into December. So depending on where you are in “life and or depending on what level you are at in “life” that will determine what your shift looks like.
You can receive it or not, however, nothing will stop the shift.
I remember this time last year I was so very afraid as the new year was approaching. Because in 2017 I was still in shock “under anesthesia” as I often call it. Anesthesia is a temporary loss of sensation or awareness which is exactly how I felt. So as the year came to a close and the new year started I was in complete fear. Because all of that was wearing off.
Once the anesthesia wears off the pain hits you and now you begin to feel everything. 2018 has been a year of growth for me and it solidified that this is my real life.
My Devan is forever physically gone never to return and I am not dreaming. I can stop pinching myself and praying to God asking that I wake up from this nightmare. I am fully aware and fully awake.
Now that doesn’t mean that I no longer have days that are so painful that I think I am not going to make it. Nor does it mean that I don’t have days that I can’t even move. Or days that I can’t see the forest because of the trees.
What it does mean is that I understand that I have to keep going, along with knowing that I am still here for a great purpose.
I also understand that I cannot nor will not make it without Jesus walking hand in hand with me.
I think about what Devan would expect from me and more importantly what God expects from me. Because of the assignment, I have to complete. I can honestly say that I am excited about 2019. Knowing that God has revealed some pretty amazing things about my life. Which also means some pretty amazing things for others because it’s not just about me.
My life is still so very surreal to me. And I’m certain that I will feel this way for quite some time. I remember when My Devan first transitioned. People would say stuff like “it will get better, or, “it’s going to get easier”.
Well, so far that’s a lie because it hasn’t gotten better nor easier for me and my family.
We are learning how to adjust and live with what is.
I don’t know how long I will ache for my Devan, for my old life. However what I do know is that I must continue to trust what God is doing.
Losing my Devan so suddenly has placed me on this walk called “faith” which is the road I have chosen to take while on this journey called “life’.
Frankly, I see no other options to choose from. So as I walk and as I step into 2019. I will do it knowing that the sun is beginning to shine ever so brightly.
Also remembering that after every storm the sun will always shine.
It doesn’t matter how long it storms the sun will follow.
Sometimes the rain can make for gloomy and sad days. Nonetheless, the rain is needed to cleanse, fertilize and reveal what was and what’s to come.
Therefore, once the sun comes out we can see and experience growth and the results because of the storm. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel whenever and however you need to feel it. “Embrace each moment not worrying about the next, yet looking forward to it”. ‘Moment by Moment’
`Kimberly Nicole Johnson
So I say hello to 2019 as I continue Walking Without My Cane aka My Devan