A Widows Purpose
When I first became a widow, I questioned everything. Of course I did. How could this happen to me, to us, to them? We were reeling out of this devastation after only 12 weeks from the first doctor visit to his death. The who, what, when, where, why and how hit you.
Who will love me now?
What do I do?
When will this pain subside?
Where do we go?
Why did this happen?
How will I go on?
I wondered so many things. I never was satisfied with the answers that I did get, and wanted to know more. I wanted to know what my purpose was here, left on this earth without the one I loved the most.
On February 20th it will be 2 years since the death of my husband. I dread the day of course like many other days I have dreaded before. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries are always a reminder of what we lost. But I find myself reflecting more now on the happiness that we shared and less on the day reminding me that he is gone.
I joined a bunch of widow groups a few months after he died. A lot of them were on Facebook, some where in person support groups, and I also had lots of one on one therapy. The Hope for Widows Foundation was one of the first groups/blogs that I came across. I didn’t comment on posts, I just read. I read the blog posts, and the Facebook posts. Reading the journeys of these other widows, I started to not feel so alone. I had started my own blog at that point and wanted to reach more women. I yearned to be a part of this amazing place where we could feel safe. So I decided to ask how I could be a part of it and here I am. I have been a part of the wonderful group of bloggers for over a year now.
They say when you buy a car, all of a sudden you start seeing that make and model everywhere. When my husband got sick, I started hearing about cancer more and more in my sphere of friends. When I became a widow, I started finding them everywhere, or maybe they found me. It was my saving grace. I found a place where I could talk, write, yell, cry and every single person “Got me” Its not a place we want to be, but doesn’t it feel good to not feel alone? That is how I felt.
It went further than that. I felt that it was therapeutic for me to talk about my journey. I would tell people about the love story that I had, the amazing life that Jerry provided for his family and how it was all gone in a few short months. But I also told people that I refused to let this loss keep me from living.
I seem to be attracting widows…ha ha, does that sound crazy? I have found myself reaching out to a friend from many years ago that lost her husband suddenly, donating grief books to a widow in my area who I never met who lost hers during the holidays as well. Helping a friend who’s husband is home with Hospice suffering from the same cancer that my husband had. It helps me to help them.
I have learned that this journey is mine and no two are the same. We should not judge others “progress” or timeline. We should cry or scream when we want to and laugh more than we feel like we can.
I have wondered if all of these things that have been happening is because my journey had brought me to them. I want to help others, to be an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. I need other widows to know that I am your sister. I am your friend. I have a purpose other than figuring out how to raise two boys and financially support the 3 of us. I have found new love, and made new friends, and I am still living. I always heard that year 2 was harder than the first and it definitely was in many ways…But I feel like I have also found my purpose.
Whatever your purpose may be, please don’t be afraid to seek it or let it find you…
“The meaning of life is to find your gift…The purpose of life is to give it away” – Pablo Picasso
“Legacy is not what’s left tomorrow when your gone. Its what you create, impact, and contribute today while you are here that then happens to live on” – Rasheed Ogunlaru
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why. – Mark Twain
I want to take widow Coach classes. Please send me information about how to apply and join the support system as well.
I am interested in finding certification as a widow coach… and some help with the cost of schooling. I have already been a coach in other areas. Do you have any input as to where I can apply it how to proceed .
My husband passed away 2 1/2 years ago. He had many issues in 2000 he fell and broke his back and blew out the whole side if his left foot. He was told he would never walk again but after 4 years he did walk with a walker. He had about 4 good years that I didn’t have to worry about him but I had to work 2 jobs to keep things going financially. After those fairly good years it seemed like he was going down hill he had neck surgery, back surgery, foot surgery on and on I was still working and trying to take care of him meanwhile had a son who was angry because this was seeming to be unfair to him (he was 12 when his dad fell). We got through all of that and thought maybe we could finally just get our life together and grow old together. Then 2015 he fell and was in so much more pain than before when I finally got him to a doctor that would listen they did MRI and his whole spine was nothing but tumers Metastatc lymphoma. He did chemo as much as he could but Everytime he had a go of it he ended up in the hospital with pneumonia which was not good for him because we also found out he had silicosis from the company he worked for many years (concrete). He decided to stop the chemo. January 2016 he got really sick was admitted to the hospital and given 2-10 days to live. A friend of mine put some essential oils on him that truly helped him, they left him come home and he lived till September 2016. There were a lot of other things that happened before he died like I lost a 20 year job because the FMLA ran out and my youngest and his family moved away so when he passed it felt like I lost all. I found a job in November and thought I was getting it together. I recently lost my job and I feel so alone lost and feeling no purpose in my life.
I went to church this morning and I couldn’t stay because I feel so lost lonely and unwanted and unloved. I don’t know where to go from here I am praying God will show me but I don’t know which way to turn. I am so lonely even when I am with friends I feel lonely. I went on a dating site and that has depressed me even more 4 out it the 4 that contacted me were scammers. It’s like I am not good enough for anyone but scammers. I am so depressed that all I can do is cry. I decided to look up a widow site and see if anyone else is feeling like this. I have read what is on here and there really isn’t my experience but maybe you have some thoughts. I know God loves me but it is just not the same.
I lost my husband of 46 1/2 yes in October 2016. He had 5 different cancers within 13 yrs. but we never lost hope and treated each one with a positive attitude. But the last cancer was the worst-pancreatic cancer. We knew with his diagnosis it would be a few months-almost 3 months to the day of diagnosis. Seeing him suffer was almost like I had the diagnosis. Terrible‼️ The realazation that I would for the first time be alone was devastating. I didn’t know how to be alone. He was my strength, my only love and I didn’t know what my future would hold. All these years together and now everything on my own. I felt so lost. Yes there were times that I didn’t want to live anymore. I knew I had to get help. My therapist was wonderful and helped me thru some very difficult moments. I had to sell my home as I couldn’t do the upkeep as it was too large for just me. I had no family living close by to help. So that was a big change for me. I moved into a 55+ apartment complex but still felt alone. My therapist suggested I do something to fill my time.
I started volunteering at a local hospital once a week. Then as time past I asked if I could do it twice a week. And as of November I do this week times a week. The hours are 8-2 and it brings me joy to help patients in the Cardiac/Pulmonary unit. I feel this was my calling and purpose. But there are those special moments that year at my heart . I miss him terribly and still love him so much.
I have been wanting to volunteer at a hospital for a while but had a lot of anxiety from seeing my husband in a hospital bed. I wasn’t ready. I feel like I am now. Also I agree, one on one therapy has been great for me.
You’ve been very encouraging to me,I too lost my husband to pancreatic cancer on November 16 2017
Still trying to live with just his memories but still missing him. Praying that God gives me strength to get his clothes donated which I think it will help me to go forward. Please I would love to keep in touch with you.
My email is email@example.com. Please feel free to reach out.
I can tell you what I did when I slowly donated things of his. I still have some left but gave away a lot. I did it when I felt ready. You are the only one to decide this. Xo