What’s On Your Mind?
I wonder if there is something on your mind right now that I can help get answered for you – whether through my own experience, someone I know, resources or articles I’ve come across.
I wasn’t a questioner when widowhood entered my world. I’m not talking about questioning “why did this happen to me” but about asking questions about any and everything about widowhood. Questioning is so important in healing and I wish I had known that sooner.
A big part of me didn’t want to question at first because that required reaching out. I wasn’t ready to meet other widows – in person or online, for that meant everything that had happened to me was real and I couldn’t swallow that just yet.
It took my incredible psychologist to get me to open up so she could find out what was on my mind and help me sort through things. (Check out my posts on Finding The Right Pair Of Jeans and A Cup of Christmas Calm).
Once I was more comfortable talking about my grief I was ready to use a little courage, take inventory of my mind and start asking questions to demystify widowhood (as much as possible) and the grieving process.
A few things on my mind that I was ready to get answers to were: “Why do I see my husband’s face everywhere I go?”, “Why does my body feel so heavy all the time?”, “I feel like I’m grieving out of order according to the stages of grief – and what does that mean?”
I want to help you not feel so alone in your grief. So tell me dear friend, what’s on your mind?
Leave me a comment below or follow me on Instagram at @kellcann and send me a message there.
(((warm hugs and love)))
We were engaged. We never had a chance to get married. He was the love of my life. He’s been gone 7 weeks. I’m so lost. I feel so alone.
My husband died on Thanksgiving morning,11/23/17. I thought once I reached that 1 year mark that the grief would ease up. It’s subsided as far as I’m not still trapped in the sorrow of it, but there are days that I wish the numbness would come back
My husband died on Thanksgiving evening 2016. My heart gots out to you. 💕💕💕
Hi Diane,
Just wanted to send you a hug ((hug))!!! I hope you and Johnnie were able to connect. It’s such a blessing when we can find those whose stories match ours in the unique ways we have experienced death. I’m so sorry you lost your husband on a holiday. How have you found your third year going so far?
Hi Johnnie,
Sending you virtual hugs ((hugs))! My heart was so sad to read that he died on Thanksgiving. I’m so sorry you had to have a holiday attached to that. ((more hugs)). I had the same thoughts as you, thinking at one year that things might get a little lighter. Instead the shock of the first year wore off and I was overwhelmed by the things I was feeling. That numbness you wrote about was definitely a gift. I am 7 1/2 years into my journey and at times, I want that back too! I equate it to being in a horrible accident where the injuries are so bad that your body has to go into shock to keep you alive – and once that shock starts wearing off, you are finally able to feel the full extent of your injuries. I found my 3rd year to be better with grief easing up a bit – a little less raw. I’ve met other widows who have experienced the same thing with year 2. You can read my comment below to Sandra on what the 3rd year was to me. Maybe it’s something to think about for you? I know it’s hard to hear this (I remember when other widows would tell me this when I began my grief journey) but things do get better with time. We will always be grieving, but with time, you will see where you can apply boundaries to your grief which will allow forward movement with a little less pain.
Coming up on his 3 year deathaversary and still wondering now what?
Hi Sandra,
((hugs!)) If you don’t mind sharing, what was the first and second year like for you? For me, year one was complete shock. I didn’t feel like I started grieving fully until the second year. Once the third year came, I naturally began trying to get to know the new person I was and learning to “walk” again. Do you know the egg scene from Runaway Bride? Julia Robert’s character, Maggie, sits down one night and cooks herself every style of eggs and tries them all out to see what she likes. The deeper meaning from the movie is that she is trying to figure out who she is. Anyway, the third year for me was my “egg scene”. Perhaps you could start exploring the question you asked on “still wondering now what?” by trying out different styles of “eggs” and seeing if that leads you on a path that brings you new purpose.
My husband passed away in a motorcycle accident last December 16, 2018. It has been a series of whys. Why me? Why us? When I thought we would spend our entire life loving each other. But it didn’t, instead he died and life was never the same without him.
Hello Iris,
I’m so sorry ((hugs)). I am so glad you found Hope for Widows so early in your journey. It’s a very natural process to ask those “why” questions. My husband also died in a motorcycle accident. It will be 8 years for me this July 6th. I’d love to talk to you more – are you on Instagram?
My husband, Fred, passed away May 27, 2017. At home (in Hospice for 4 days)…..with me, our dog, Malaika and cats, Chui and Louie beside him. His passing was so beautiful and he did everything exactly how he wanted. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer in 2009. He went through so much…but his outlook was so positive. Never ever asking why me. His nurses fell in love with him, how could they not? He will always be the strongest man I know. I am wondering…..he feels like he is here….I feel it so strongly but I know he is not. It is such a powerful feeling….a bit frustrating because I want to see him….really…..have him here.
Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing about your husband ((hugs)). I believe that he is there with you. There were so many times (especially in my first year) where I felt that powerful feeling you speak of quite often. When I started reaching out and meeting other widows, they would tell me their stories about feeling their husband near them – comforting incredible stories. On my first wedding anniversary following his passing, I was out on the balcony that morning, thinking about our ceremony at 9:15 am when we were married. Tears started to well up in my eyes. I felt his presence so so strongly and then all of the sudden, a beautiful bird flew up to my balcony railing, right in front of me and stayed there for minutes, chirping, singing and tilting its head every which way while looking at me. I went from a feeling of sadness and despair to shedding tears of joy. I knew he was there, and that somehow he had this little bird fly to my balcony to enhance that moment and show me that I wasn’t alone, that he was aware of the date, and the time, what I was thinking about, and wanted me to be happy and not sad 🙂 Let me know if you want to talk more about the feelings you are having! ((hugs))