Hey there,
I know… IT SUCKS.
I’m not going to sugarcoat widowhood for you in hopes that it’ll make you feel better. That would just be rude. It sucks. Period.
However, I recently celebrated- well, got through- the third year anniversary of my husband’s death, so I’d like to say I know some things. I’m a more experienced widow than you (I’m seriously not bragging. I hate widowhood just as much as you do), but alas, I have some advice- actually survival tips for you.
First, stop caring about what others think.
This is a big one! And it took me so long to figure it out on my own. Look, you’re a widow. You might as well be the groundhog on Groundhog Day. People are watching you to see what you’ll do, especially if you’re a really young widow like myself. What will she do? Will she lose it? Is she going to move out of her house? Did her husband have any life insurance? Is she going to start dating again? Will she get remarried? The list of questions from bystanders goes on. Whether the bystanders and questioners mean well or not is something you’ll need to figure out by yourself, but nonetheless, there will be people watching you to find out your next move.
Here’s the thing: Stop caring about what they think of you! Unless they’ve walked in your shoes fitted with unbelievable grief, they probably don’t have any idea what it takes to live the life of a widow. Choose your mentors wisely and don’t get too caught up in the opinions of others.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
This one is hard! If you’re anything like me, I hate to ask for help and only really ask for help if I truly, truly need it. For this reason, when I was a new widow, I rarely ever asked anyone to babysit my children, run errands for me, bring me food, do a chore or two- all things I probably really could have used help with! Things I still wish I had someone around to help me with. I’ve gotten so much better at asking for help these days, but the willingness of others to help seems to fade away as time goes by.
As cliché as it sounds: It is okay to ask for help. Text a friend to bring you your favorite dessert even though you haven’t eaten very much substantial food. Have your mom babysit your children for an hour so you can take a shower or a nap in peace. Recruit a guy friend to complete the list of household things your husband had on his to-do list. Heck, send someone to the store for a few months supply of feminine products! My point being this: Don’t be afraid or ashamed or embarrassed to ask someone for any kind of help you need.
Eat something- anything!
Okay, this one may seem like it’s an obvious one, but you need to be reminded. I was recently told that I looked skinny and sickly when my husband died- why? Because I wasn’t eating well- if at all! I can’t tell you one meal that people brought to my house during those first couple of weeks as a new widow, but I can tell you I had some of the Tupperware containers for a very long time. I know I must have eaten something- obviously, I didn’t starve- but I honestly do not remember. And if you’re anything like me, your stomach literally feeds off of your emotions, meaning our appetite fluctuates whenever we’re upset, nervous, depressed, etc.
Anyway, I tell you all that simply to say this: Eat something- anything!
Sing in the car.
This one is a bit silly, but also goes well with number one. Interestingly enough, it’s said that women speak about twice as many words as men do in a day. My husband and I used to joke about it when he was alive. “Did you speak all your words today?” He’d ask me as I’d talk his ear off. As a new widow, coming home to a house without my husband, without another adult to talk to, was so hard. I hated being home and coming back home for a very long time for this very reason. I missed talking to him. Blogging about my grief journey on my blog was definitely a huge help, but you know what else I found helped me use my daily amount of words?
Singing in the car! Worship music, rock ‘n’ roll, music you listened to as a hormonal teenager, the latest love songs- whatever music you’re in to, take a short road trip and just drive with the music blaring in your ears and sing your heart out. I can’t even tell you how much money I spent on gas simply just to drive and listen to music, especially when it was nap time for my kids. It might sound crazy, but hey, stop caring about what others think! You’ll feel better, for just a short while, but in the beginning, a short while feels better than nothing.
Don’t be ashamed for simply surviving.
I get it. You feel like you’re dying. You may even want to die. You just lost the most important piece of your life, your other half. It’s like you’re walking around half dead. Like I said, I’m not here to tell you all about the sunshine and rainbows, although there will one day be sunshine and rainbows again. Right now, I’m just here to tell you that it is okay to simply survive. Remember that when your hard days feel even harder. You have the right to simply survive, whatever that may look like for you right now.
Lastly, find your tribe.
This one isn’t last because it’s less important than the others, but actually most important. As a new widow, it’s totally normal for your social group to go through some changes. Some people won’t be able to handle your grief and you will simply drift apart. Others will be insensitive and impatient and will walk away from you on their own. And some will even piss you off so much that you’ll kick them out of your life as if they were the ones who killed your husband. Either way, with widowhood comes change and transition, and sometimes unfortunately that means new friends.
The great part about that though- the silver lining- is that if you’re reading this, you are already a part of an awesome tribe of widows who feel or have felt the exact same ways you feel. You are in the right place. We will all gladly be your new tribe!
I hate that you’ve had to join the widow club, and as lame and cliché as it sounds: I am truly sorry for your loss. I’m sad you’re here, but at the same time, I am glad you are here.
Sincerely,
Samantha, widow.
Losing your lifetime partner at 68 with no children and no close family left, what do you hold onto? Where is the purpose or joy left in life without someone close to share your days and nights with? I really can’t stand it being home, makes me want to drink rat poison…too many reminders, no more Christmas or birthdays, everything is gone, how can he go but not take me with him, not fair! Seeing others with those they love and that love them back makes it clear I don’t belong in the world anymore.. Its beyond just feeling alone, nobody left to love or protect or to protect me.
Emotions aside, does it make more sense to find a painless way to end my life & be at peace rather than spend years in an endless circle of loneliness and pain. Then I think well maybe I should stay in a hotel, until I can find a group of like minded “golden girls” maybe even widows to share a home and support each other, celebrate birthdays & holidays & forge new memories,. Would that be possible and would it help ease my pain? I’m not that old, 68 but felt more like 58.. now I feel 100! Not sure where to turn..
My Husband went to Heaven February 26,2023. He with all his family and friends that went before him. I my son in the house. His wife recently left him. Together we’re eating every day, keeping busy. Making short term goals. I’m goanna make sure my children will have a easy time when I die. once my husbands will is probated. I will make mine. I have to Change Beneficiaries on my Life too. I make small to do list and work on that. My son gets to fix things, climb latter’s etc. This actually working out pretty well. I loved being loved. I sure do miss that feeling. I’m going to ask God someday to bring a loving man into my life. But, not yet. When my eyes stop leaking….
[…] thing that you should keep in mind is, you don’t have to care about any of that. You can simply distance yourself and just focus on yourself. You already have a lot on your plate to think about some […]
I am a new widow. Even though my spouse had a heart attack in July 2021 – he survived and started to thrive. We N-E-V-E-R discussed him dying. He got better little by little from the heart attack and fell and broke his right hip in September 2021. Again he survived this. Then everything slowly changed in him. We were both angry at each other. He wanted to (even filed to) divorce me. We worked through this and I had found my peace with him. He was finally getting better. His health had improved dramatically. I had accepted my grief at his loss. He was my Prince Charming. Then very suddenly November 30 2022 he died of a massive cardiac arrest. Now I feel so empty. I am lonely in our house A-L-O-N-E for the first time in my life. I am 65 years old. I am trying to make new ties with my two daughters. I am working full time as a hospital nurse. I am going to have to sell our house. My daughters JUST want me to get on with my life. I am so S-C-A-R-E-D of living alone. I go to work each week which helps so much. I get out and talk to strangers. As an introvert this is very hard for me. I am trying to keep the things that worked in my life and jettison the things that did not work. I feel like I am going crazy. Please tell me it gets better.
My husband died the end of May. Last year. We were high school sweethearts. Married almost 49 years. We did everything together. We were involved in a band that raised money for people in our community and for a pregnancy assistance center. I ran sound. He was a fantastic guitar player.
He was never sick. It was an instant heart attack. I felt like I was wandering around in a fog.
I am self sufficient for the most part. Strong and resilient. But I am mostly introverted and serious. He was hilarious and fun, and the joy of my life.
It was such a shock. Jesus is who has gotten me through. Only Jesus.
People say…Volunteer….you’ll feel better. That is all we did was volunteer our whole lives…sheesh… Right now, I just need to get used to living alone after being with him since I was 16.
Our 50th wedding anniversary just passed. We had talked about a huge party at our lake house.100+ people. It would have been his favorite day. A blast.
The day came and went. Labor Day three of my four children came. It was a good day, but after they all left, it was a big let down. It’s hard sometimes to let go of what might have been and accept what is.
Thank you for posting this Lynn. I lost my husband of almost 40 years in September and was seeking some words of encouragement for older widows. Yours helped. Being a single woman at the age of 68 is harder than I thought it would be. I am firm believer so Jesus is my rock. He keeps me focused but in everyday life I question everything now. It’s been about 80 days since I became a widow so I have a long way to go in learning these new life lessons. I hope by my 4th or 5th year I will understand more and be able to help others asking questions and needing some encouragement.
I lost my dear husband of 47 years just 2 months ago. I’m 76 years old and I miss talking to him. We had a wonderful marriage. I’m so lonely because the only person I really want to be with is him. All of my very best friends have died. I never joined clubs because I took full care of my dear husband for the last eight years. I have two stepchildren that keep in touch. He had a 3 month sickness in hospitals and nursing homes before and he just kept getting worse. Jesus walks with me every day and holds my hand. I still cry at different times and can’t concentrate. Also not much of an appetite. I just thought I would write and explain what I feel. GINNY
I lost my dear husband of 47 years just 2 months ago. I’m 76 years old and I miss talking to him. We had a wonderful marriage. I’m so lonely because the only person I really want to be with is him. All of my very best friends have died. I never joined clubs because I took full care of my dear husband for the last eight years. I have two stepchildren that keep in touch. He had a 3 month sickness in hospitals and nursing homes before he died. j Jesus walks with me every day and holds my hand. I still cry at different times and can’t concentrate. Also not much of an appetite. I just thought I would write and explain what I feel. GINNY
After my husbands battle with cancer, he lost it after valiant attempts to keep him alive; too much pain from this most unworthy opponent. My family came t the rescue while I was lost in a sea of questions and onlookers thinking I had not taken good care of him. His family of knuckleheads and yes, felt I had done hand in his death! They became jealous and wanted to make feel unworthy and responsible for his demise. They barely gathered for his homegoing services and performed all manner of tactics to engage with the funeral. I was heartbroken. But MY FAMILY, full and compassionate came t my rescue and showered me with love and compassion, because they knew of our plight of 33 years. I hope u recent widows find paths of empathy and support to outweigh hateful hinderers as u go through your journey. Be blessed by family and your community. Let the pitiful hate mongers be lost to you and never look back. You will be restored by the love of your family and friends as was I. God is sooo good to you who faithfully seek His comfort!! I promise you.
Thank you. Day 50. Jeanne
I lost my precious husband Aug. 4, 2021… Some days I stay busy and keep my mind busy. I do pretty good on those days. But I am in my 70’s and have to have some days of rest.. I cry quite a bit, have called out his name in grief. The pain is like no other. The kids come around some, but they are all busy with their own lives. All I can say is, there is no other pain like not having your other half anymore
My superman husband lost his battle with cancer on 8/18/21. It all began with a seizure on 7/30/20. I was so sure he would beat it and together we solved all of our problems. Brain cancer is terrible. He wanted to “go home” he said he fell in love with me and married me because I am such a strong woman and that he gave me all he could give. He told me I will be fine. He was doing fabulous and all of a sudden BAM he deteriorated rapidly. I was lucky enough to be holding his hand when he passed. Told him how much I love our life together and how he has to stay with me and protect me. We had a marriage that was filled with love and adventure. I loved every minute of our life together. I too feel like half of me is missing. 25 years married to the most wonderful soulmate I could ever have. I feel blessed for that. I am trying very hard to be strong. After 3 weeks I am back to work and I am blessed to have a stronger than me support group of family and friends. We never had any children. Be strong ladies. It’s harder and I now know the true meaning and feeling of grief. It is hardest for those of us left behind. But we must keep moving forward. I find comfort in talking to him often throughout the day. I wish you all peace and comfort. Sometimes I do feel peaceful, other times I find myself just weepy.
My husband died 1 month ago and I’m a therapist. I started grieving before he died, as he battled cancer 3 years. His family can not take his death, denies it happened and walks around like a zombie. As a therapist, I’m trained for grief processing, so I’m not a bucket of tears all the time. I had three years to begin my grief walk, unfortunately.
Everyone says to start doing things, hobbies, etc. but when you do, who do you come home and tell those experiences to? An empty house?? What about just wanting a hug? My heart is going 100mph. All of my friends are married and I am determined not to be dependent or needing to be babysat. I don’t want to be “lost” years from now. I don’t want to be known as the “grieving widow” forever. I know it has been a month and that is a short time – for sure. I just want to be strong, forge forward, but am finding a bit of difficult in what to do now…
I’m grate for this article in more ways than I can articulate. Strength and prayers for all you wonderful ladies of this club – –
Kimberly, I’m not a therapist but went thru a similar situation with my husband 2 months ago, One step at a time is my motto but there are some days!!
My husband passed one month ago. He retired April 30, had surgery May 11, then passed a month later. Thirty one years of marriage and life was good. I’m still in a fog, trying to get through all the paperwork and maintain home and property. I agree wholeheartedly with the comment “it sucks” because that’s the truth. And yes, I feel like half of me is dead.
But this is the second time I’ve been widowed. When I was 25 my first husband drowned in a boating accident after three years of marriage. That was horrific as well. Same awful pain. Same loss of my future and my identity. It changed me for life. It took years for me to find myself and live again.
During the last 36 hours of my husband’s life I realized he was not going to come home. A verse from the book of Job kept running through my mind- “the thing that I have feared the most has come to pass.” I’m writing this to say it’s all hard. Three years, thirty one years, it’s all awful. I’m floundering again. I’m lost again. But I do know I am stronger than I feel right now and I will survive. It’s not the life I wanted and I don’t think it’s fair, and God knows that’s how I feel right now. But our daughter, son-in-law and new grandchild are our legacy, and I’ll go on and keep my husband alive in our hearts and memories. We really are stronger than we know.
My husband died suddenly and expectedly in April , on week before our 21 wedding anniversary. He went to sleep and didn’t wake up. The post-mortem came back inconclusive which is not surprising as there was nothing wrong with him . He was fit and well and ran marathons. I’m the overweight one and we used to joke about him being snapped up when I’d gone.
Its coping with the shock and disbelief of it that I find hard and then there’s all the paperwork you have to complete !
What is it about life Insurance companies that don’t want to pay out ? . ” We need to know why he died”
Well so do I !
I have three children the youngest being 12 and I’m finding it overwhelming that all decisions are now down to me .
My greatest fear happened when my twin sister Linda passed away July 15, 2020. My husband cried with me. Three and a half weeks later, August 10 MY HUSBAND DIED. I had expected my sister to die, but for the hospital to tell me “Your husband passed.” was like a bomb going off in my face. He and my sister were my whole world as I had no children. Their obits came out on the same day in the newspaper. No one knows the real me like they did and the world seems full of strangers. While I sobbed in my bedroom, my dog howled outside of my door until I let her in to sleep for months on the floor by my bed. I awakened to my own screams four different times (and counting) and she rushed to my side. One friend came by the day my husband died and brought food and a Covid risking hug. That was the only hug I had thus far. People tell me I am strong but NO ONE is this strong! The good thing is, I live in a small town and I literally can feel the empathy from various people. Thank GOD for them!
Being a widow takes guts. It’s going back to school to learn new things. We had a life now we are something else, especially for me it is to myself. I feel I am a stranger.
I was widowed a few months ago after a sweet harmonious marriage. All was a blur the first few months doing the death stuff, downsizing the property and sending eleven loads to the dump, people helping, coming, going, a big memorial to plan with displays of his life: father, friend, Rotarian, engineer, writer, fire volunteer.
Now I learn new lessons, new skills, how to use a cell phone, how to cook for myself, how to feel worthy, be disciplined, find out only 25 percent of on line men are wholesome and not losers or scammers or players.
It sounds like I am whining, no I am in training to live life again, to create the novels I have on Amazon, to want, yes to desire, to plan, to love, to see Nashvile and New Orleans.
I am grateful. I am heathy after open heart surgery. I have two credit cards, a Honda, a house in a forest, but best of all I have a large family and a community of friends. God is good. Maybe I will write a story about angels in heaven and their efforts to assist on-line romances of older women. God bless each one reading this.
I just lost my husband who died from cancer. We had his service on what would have been our 55th wedding anniversary. this is by far one of the worst times of my life. Friends/relatives send messages saying “let me know if I can do anything to help”. NO!!! Unless you can bring him back, I don’t know what you could do to help. I’m just surviving each day; crying a lot and just broken. I’m not looking forward to the future, but must try to go on for my kids and grandkids.
I’m not a young widow – we would have been married 58 years on December 15th. I feel like I’ve literally lost half of my body. He was always so healthy and active. I lost him in 3 weeks. He would have been 88 on Nov 28th. I will be 80 in April 2021. I guess a lot of people would say that he had a long life. That doesn’t help at all. I feel so overwhelmed with knowing that I’m responsible for everything now. My house looks like I’m a hoarder. I go in one room and see some of his things and pull them out – I don’t need them anymore – then I go in another room and get into cleaning something else. It goes on and on. I can’t seem to do one thing at a time. My best friend has been wonderful, but she’s not a widow. I feel like I’m drowning.
thanks so much for your inspiring word. my soul mate pass away May 9 2019 this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. but that being said I feel really blessed. God is watching over all of us widows. pray always to your Heavenly Father and we will be blessed.
can’t find my tribe. helpers are a problem. discord all the time. personalities. not doing well. yes we all had a tragedy. you who only had a few years of marriage i am sorry for you. those of us who had decades…well i feel like i can’t be without him. truly lost. 35.5 years with. 3 years 7 months 10 days widowed. sing in the car? nice idea but i can barely drive and all music breaks my heart as i want to hear him sing. happy you are finding your way. thanks for the post. i’m lost. best possible to all. exhaused from sad today. ciao
I hear you Rebecca. I lost my Joe on Nov. 13th. I feel like half my being is gone. We would have been married 58 years in Dec. I’m very confused and lost. Trying to grab on to something like a drowning person. Wish we could hug each other – not with this Covid thing around. My family is in Connecticut and I am in North Carolina. He was always there and could do anything that needed to be done around the house. I never had to worry about anything. Everything is upside down. I feel for you. Try to hang on – that’s all we can do now.