First of all. I’m not quoting Frozen, although it is on at my house pretty much every day:)
Grief. What an ugly, stupid word and frankly, I’m getting tired of it. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of it being part of my life. Anyone who experiences grief in their life can attest to the horrible nature of the word. You can grieve over any loss. A job, a house, a way of life….a spouse. Really, it’s just the process of being sad all the time, forever, but still striving to have normalcy and happiness in life. Grief hurts because it’s unnatural, it’s our circumstances pulling us in a different direction than our hearts and minds want us to be going. When we lose a spouse, our hearts and minds and also our bodies have a hard time adjusting to our new circumstances. We want so desperately for things to go back to the way things were but we are powerless to make that happen. Because we have no control sometimes we revolt. We stand up with defenses up and fight. This my friends is a waste of energy.
It’s complicated, when life, like mine, has changed drastically over the past 6 years. To the point of no recognition at all. If Benji came back he wouldn’t have the slightest clue where to look for me. It’s a bizarre notion, however sometimes I have the fantasy that he comes back and slowly learns where I am and what I am doing. Then, when he finally finds me I am able to tell him everything that he has missed. Please tell me I’m not the only one with these fantasies…these weird, delusional thoughts. If you are a widow, I’m sure you’re right here with me. I would be a different person to him. Wrap your head around that. I can’t, I tried. So do I really long for things to go back to the way things were? I don’t. Not anymore. I have to be ok with that being ok. Sometimes widow guilt takes over and I feel like I should still be living in the house on Sherman, crying away. But maybe by moving forward it’s me embracing the grief, not letting it take over.
I feel like I’m rambling…I’m a widow. I get to.
“The body remembers”, words I’m also tired of hearing. BUT it’s true. It does. I wake up on certain days and my body physically hurts. I have learned in therapy that even after 6 years it is completely normal for me to still have bad days. Bad grief days. I know I’m not the only one. Unfortunately, this year that I just completed, year 6, has affected me more than any others. I don’t know why. I hurt all over. I have weird unexplainable pain. I have anxiety. I am so very tired. I have tried two naturopaths, midwives, a chiropractor and a kinesiologist. They each had a different approach but nothing, I mean nothing seemed to help. I had every test done and was assured that I am healthy. One doctor even said she was stumped. Not what I needed to hear. So by the final request to my husband that I would try one more and be done I came upon a naturopath down the road from my home. This one was different. She wasn’t trying to deal with only my physical self but also …my grief. Through shared tears I told her my story. I didn’t expect to have such a heart to heart with a doctor but it was healing. She assured me that although I had low iron that I am healthy and my body is experiencing PTSD, even 6 years later. I don’t manage stress well, I need to surrender to the grief, not deny it and relax. For heaven’s sake, relax.
I have been spending so much time and money trying to get answers and really all I need to do is face the fact that my grief is hurting my body. But not just the grief but also the rapid life changes that followed Benji’s death. A marriage, a move to a different state, and a pregnancy. Although these changes were God ordained and I’m completely thankful for the every day, even to the point that I feel like I must be dreaming because I’ve been so blessed…this is taking its toll on me in every way. I have never wanted to admit that grief has made me sick, I kept thinking that there has GOT to be something else wrong with me but I can’t believe that lie any longer. Now I need to sit back, except that fact, take some deep breaths and surrender it. So my prayers have been ones of surrender. I am done. I can’t do it anymore. I cried those wet, hot widow tears all the way home as I laid every worry, every stress, every bit of my grief into the hands of Jesus. I am done. I am so thankful that Jesus promises to carry our burdens. I just wish I would have surrendered this sooner, saved myself some pain.
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).
I have spent the last few days assessing my stress. I get worked up over the most insignificant things and I notice my body clenching. I am on edge and frustrated a lot. I think I hide it well but behind the doors of my home my poor family gets the worst of me. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be yelling mom. I don’t want to be angry and short tempered. Everyone knows when you don’t feel well it’s hard to be lovely.
But, I want to be lovely. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be a comforter, and an encourager, a hard worker, a wise decision maker. I want to be strong mentally, physically, and spiritually. I want to be dignified. I want to bless my husband and my children. I want to be charming and graceful. I want to feel good. Fighting my grief and embracing these traits doesn’t work.
This is hard to do. But I know that I can lean on the power of God and it is not something I have to do in my own strength. It would never happen if so.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
So writing this is my way of saying “hey world, I am grieving…still…it sucks!” I’m letting it go. I’m letting myself off the hook and allowing myself to have bad days without feeling guilty…like I should be over it.
I am going to surrender it in hopes that I can feel better physically and also become the woman I was created to be with all of the complications. I can allow God to weave my grief into my new life, instead of fighting it and not letting it in. I can be a mess, but a beautiful one.
About Heidi Vegh
Heidi was born and raised in Salt Lake City, UT. She married her high school sweetheart, Benji, at age 20, in 2000. They lived in a beautiful little house and had two cute boys, Jonah and Isaac. They are now 13 and 11. Benji had always suffered with Crohn's disease but it took a turn for the worst in January 2013, when he got diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer of the colon and liver. They spent the next 7 months enduring chemotherapy and even spent some time in Houston with a renowned cancer research doctor. Unfortunately, Benji was taken to heaven at the precious age of 33 on September 7th, 2013. This tragic loss left Heidi in turmoil as she was now a single mother raising two small children, 6 and 7 at the time. The one thing that she clung to that gave her hope was her faith in God. She had experienced His peace during the difficult experience of benji's sickness and she knew God would also be with her through her new step in widowhood. She blogged her entire experience with many followers and was able to share the love of God through her tragic circumstance. In Feb 2014, she met David. They knew almost immediately that they wanted to be together. In January 2015, David and Heidi were married. David is a strong man of faith, and exactly who Benji would have wanted Heidi to marry and to raise his boys. In June 2016, they decided to take a leap of faith and move to Gig Harbor, WA where David's young son, Harlo, lived with his mom. This was again an experience that proved God's faithfulness as she was concerned for the sake of her young boys leaving everything they had ever known after already losing their daddy. However, they now love living in the PNW, the boys are thriving and they have a beautiful baby girl Emmy who is 2 1/2. Life is busy with 4 children but they couldn't be happier. Heidi is working hard to pursue her long desired degree in Creative Writing, she is involved in MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and spends lots of time volunteering in her church. Heidi has a passion for writing and telling her story in hopes of offering some encouragement for other young widows. She understands the life altering title and longs to love and support any new widows that she comes across.
I am so happy that this touched you both. Experiencing grief in a physical way is something that is very real. Its hard to imagine that it can take a toll on us in every possible way that it does. We just need to keep pushing through, praying for Gods strength and recognizing all the blessings that we do have. We are strong woman and I am thankful that we have each other in this journey. Blessings to you both!!!
Thank you very much for sharing your story. I have read many posts from widows, but this one really got to me. In 4 months, it will be 3 years since I lost my husband to cancer. I kept hoping I’d feel better by now. I can completely relate to everything you said. I want to feel normal again, but I keep having these bursts of grief. It really helps to know that I’m not alone. My friends are wonderful, but no one but another widow can truly ever know what we’re going through. I’m so glad you’ve found happiness and are continuing to move forward with your life. It gives me hope that I’ll be able to one day too.
I’m coming up on 2 years. The grief is tearing me apart. I’m sick and sore all over. My body hurts the moment I wake up. I have anxiety and depression. I talk to the Lord and pray for strength. I try to be strong for our two girls. My six year old was 4 at the time and witnessed her dad’s death. She is having PTSD and I recently thought maybe I do also. It seems like life is moving on but I’m still stuck in the same spot. I have Faith that we will eventually start to heal. Thank you for sharing your story.