The first holidays alone. 2013. I escaped and refused to do anything “Christmasy”. I usually loved the holidays. Decorating, baking, shopping and creating magic for my two little boys. I enjoyed making memories and creating traditions for our little family. The first holiday season, only 4 short months after Benji’s passing, were horribly depressing. I didn’t listen to the music, I didn’t put up a tree, I didn’t bake and create little neighbor gifts, I didn’t shop. Well, I put off shopping until I was on my way to a family party. I ran into the grocery store and grabbed a few gift cards. I did the absolute minimum. Then on Dec 21st the boys and I hopped on a plane and headed to Maui for two weeks, a sweet gift from friends and family. I had hopes that being in paradise away from home that grief would kindly stay behind, but I was wrong. As I landed in Maui and drove my sleeping boys to the hotel, the depression and loneliness set in more intensely than ever. I hadn’t been to Maui since our honeymoon 13 years earlier and the hotel was next to the one we had stayed in. This compounded the grief. Although it was lovely to wake up to a view of the beachfront and the sound of the waves, I felt a heaviness that can not be described. The next few days leading up to Christmas were lovely as we lay on the beach and I was able to see my kids filled with joy. However, once Christmas eve came, the bomb dropped. The boys and I took a stroll down the beach front along the shops and restaurants. We were surrounded by families, husbands and wives with their kids. We got some frozen yogurt and sat in the sand. The loneliness was so heavy I could barely move. It was so unfair. So awful. I think I had PTSD for several Christmas Eve’s after that because it was so horrible and traumatizing.
Christmas morning wasn’t any different. Instead of a beautiful tree surrounded by presents for the kids to wake up to, it was one gift for each of them laying on the patio of the hotel. They each got a video game. One they couldn’t play until we got home. And that was it.
That was it.
New Year’s Eve we spent driving on the road to Hana. The beauty was grayed out. We went hiking and as we were crossing a river I fell in…there was no one there to help pull me out. Utterly alone.
That night, everyone turned in early and I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I had some friends text me telling me to meet them. I immediately jumped on the opportunity to not be alone, as I ran through the sand I tripped. I laid there for a moment and came to my senses. I was so desperate to find companionship, to be hugged or maybe even kissed on New Year’s eve that I was willing to embarrass myself. I stood up, took a deep breath and knew that I needed to do this alone. I needed to feel the sting of ringing in the new year by myself. I could not allow myself to fill it with anything else but pure grief. I found a place on the sand to ring in the new year. As I sat there, I looked around and was surrounded by snuggling couples. I listened to music. I watched the waves roll in and roll out. I intentionally said goodbye to 2013, the most devastating year of my life. I stepped into 2014, the first year of my life without Benji in it. I can still feel the desperate loneliness and depression. In that moment I had little hope for my future. I was unsure that I would ever find love again, and even if I didn’t I would never find anyone that loved my as much as Benji did. He adored me.
I took some deep breaths and the new year began.
This is now my 7th New Year’s Eve without him. I will forever and always remember that night on that Maui beach. It is so significant in my memory.
Grief is not something we can run from or hide from. It follows us into every nook and cranny of our being. We can certainly try to cover it up or ignore it but it will always be there, waiting for us to sink back into. If this is your first year without your love, the sting is intense. The significance of stepping into a new year makes his absence all that more real. But don’t try and hide from it, don’t be desperate for a kiss from someone else. Face it, alone. Feel the pain. Feel it to the most desperate degree, this allows for healing in the future. You can step into a new year with hope, knowing that it can’t get any worse that what you just felt. Embrace the grief, live it, feel it.
I can tell you that it lessens, it gets easier. In your own timing, but it does get easier. The sting becomes less and eventually you will be able to blow that noise maker and shout HAPPY NEW YEAR with a hope for the future! To all you fresh widows out there… you can do this!!
About Heidi Vegh
Heidi was born and raised in Salt Lake City, UT. She married her high school sweetheart, Benji, at age 20, in 2000. They lived in a beautiful little house and had two cute boys, Jonah and Isaac. They are now 13 and 11. Benji had always suffered with Crohn's disease but it took a turn for the worst in January 2013, when he got diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer of the colon and liver. They spent the next 7 months enduring chemotherapy and even spent some time in Houston with a renowned cancer research doctor. Unfortunately, Benji was taken to heaven at the precious age of 33 on September 7th, 2013. This tragic loss left Heidi in turmoil as she was now a single mother raising two small children, 6 and 7 at the time. The one thing that she clung to that gave her hope was her faith in God. She had experienced His peace during the difficult experience of benji's sickness and she knew God would also be with her through her new step in widowhood. She blogged her entire experience with many followers and was able to share the love of God through her tragic circumstance. In Feb 2014, she met David. They knew almost immediately that they wanted to be together. In January 2015, David and Heidi were married. David is a strong man of faith, and exactly who Benji would have wanted Heidi to marry and to raise his boys. In June 2016, they decided to take a leap of faith and move to Gig Harbor, WA where David's young son, Harlo, lived with his mom. This was again an experience that proved God's faithfulness as she was concerned for the sake of her young boys leaving everything they had ever known after already losing their daddy. However, they now love living in the PNW, the boys are thriving and they have a beautiful baby girl Emmy who is 2 1/2. Life is busy with 4 children but they couldn't be happier. Heidi is working hard to pursue her long desired degree in Creative Writing, she is involved in MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and spends lots of time volunteering in her church. Heidi has a passion for writing and telling her story in hopes of offering some encouragement for other young widows. She understands the life altering title and longs to love and support any new widows that she comes across.
I am not a widow but I do know grief due to the suicidal death of a 30 year old son. But I read your blog after reading a crosswalk devotional today. I just plain love your writing of your faith walk with our Faithful Father. Blessings dear new friend as only He can do! Helen 💞
I will pray for you and you entire family. I generally do that, when I read or hear of someone who has been through a lot in life. What a journey!….what courage….!…..what faith….!
Ours is a faithful God but every now and then, I suppose He allows our faith to be tested. Only you must know what you went through and how you got through it all, especially that first Christmas as a widow….you describe it beautifully…one can sense the pain you endured, that comes through in your words.
Stay blessed and healthy.
A beautiful story about an ugly place, a place that four months ago, I knew nothing about. Then it slaps you in the face and it seems like you will never catch your breath, sleep without fear, and face the ocean of friends and acquaintences that run to you and throw their arms around you or bow their heads and pretend they didn’t see you. Fortunatly, my girls are grown and have families of thier own. I’ve just started reading blogs on this topic and yours is written perfectly. Thank you.