When grief is at its heaviest and we are lost in it, it is so hard to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. It can become very easy to just get lost in the dark. So find and hold onto hope whenever you can.

   For me, my faith plays a huge role in having hope. God would give me just enough light to see where I was going.  I think God knew if I saw a light at the end of my tunnel I would just start to make a run for it and probably miss a lot of the things I needed to see along the way and in between. I say that because my prayer used to be, God can we just fast forward to when all this healing is behind me? I now can envision God looking down at me, like a father would at his daughter, and chuckling a little and saying, “but then you would miss all the good stuff”. Of course it did not always seem like good stuff.  But what we choose to do with all of this, good and bad, is important.  

   The light God gave me in my darkest times came to me in different forms.  Some of the forms were scriptures, poems, family, friends, my children, fellow widows who became friends, strangers, and music. I began seeing it in unexpected places and learning that it came in many different ways.  God gave me and continues to give me what I need and just when I need it. I had to make the choice to find beauty and hope in my sorrow and ashes wherever I could. I have 2 kiddos, so not picking myself up off the floor or not getting out of bed was not an option even though I had moments that I wanted to do just that. 

   In my last blog I referred to the song in Frozen 2 titled “The Next Right Thing”. I referred to the part about the darkness she sang about. If you keep listening to that song though the words are:

How to rise from the floor?

But it’s not you I’m rising for

Just do the next right thing

Take a step, step again

It is all that I can to do

The next right thing

I won’t look too far ahead

It’s too much for me to take

But break it down to this next breath, this next step

This next choice is one that I can make

So I’ll walk through this night

Stumbling blindly toward the light

And do the next right thing”.

 

   To do the next right thing or to take a step and then another, can be the hardest and most challenging thing you do!  Some days just getting out of bed was all I could even muster. I didn’t think I was strong enough, hell I didn’t think I was enough. I am much stronger than I ever thought possible.  I had a pastor once who said, “does God give us more than we can handle? You’re darn right He does!”. The first time I heard him say that I thought what an odd thing to say. But then my pastor said this, “He gives us more than we can handle because that’s how we grow”.  I now completely agree with him. It is also in our weakest moments that shows up the biggest. I not only saw how strong I actually am, I also can look back and see how much I have grown.  

 

   Each step I took, as hard as some were, made me a little stronger with each one.  I have learned so much along the way. Some lessons are easier to learn than others.  At first I saw no light at the end of my tunnel. But each step took me closer to seeing the light and hope.  

 

About 

Celi Olson is a busy, single, working Mama of two, who loves to write. Her world turned upside down when she became a widow on June 29, 2017 when her husband took his life. Words, journaling, writing, poems all became huge tools of comfort and healing through her journey. Through her faith in God, family, friends, support groups and therapy she has learned a lot and grown. Celi has come to the point for sharing experiences and what she is going through, and hopes it helps even one person or helps someone not feel alone, then it will be worth it.