Our True North

     Dear Widows, I know these days are dark and we are on an uncharted journey. Once widowhood occurs it alters the reality of every single thing in our world. Everyday is different. Existence is different. Perspectives are different. I had a way of doing things, it all changed. My life was flipped upside down and backwards after Benji died. Waking up in the morning was lonely and different. The kids were different. My routine was different. The way I cleaned, shopped and did laundry was….different. These are changes that are specific to widows and it’s a jolt to reality. At first it is foreign and strange but then as time goes on a new way of life develops. A new hope starts to take shape. 

     For me it was about 6 months in when I decided to embrace my new reality and start thinking about the future. Something that was numbing in previous months now seemed almost exciting. I began to think about new love. I am not sure if it was because it happened to be Valentines day weekend but something inside of me shifted. I was very intentional about this shift and was determined to make a permanent mindset for the future. 

      I had decided to plan a last minute trip to So Cal to visit my sister in law. Coincidentally, she had found herself newly single and we were both in agony of the coming holiday. We spent Valentines Day in Universal Studios with my boys. It was a great time although a heaviness lay on both of us.

As I returned home I was sitting in the Phoenix airport on a layover. The boys and I were sitting in a restaurant and I looked down at my wedding ring and had an overwhelming feeling that it was time to take it off. I knew that it would happen unexpectedly and this was very much that, unexpected. So when I returned home, I sweetly laid my ring in a box next to his. I cried hot wet tears of sorrow as I said goodbye to the romantic love that I shared with him. I listened to “Say Something” on repeat and let my heart ache like it never has before. 

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I’m still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You’re the one that I love

And I’m saying goodbye…

     I didn’t want to give up on our romantic love but I didn’t have a choice. I had to choose to move forward. I was ready to crack open my heart for someone new. I didn’t have a plan, I wasn’t going to put myself out there in anyway, I was just going to be open to it. I had Benji’s blessing to find a new daddy here on earth and my heart was slowing shifting. 

      Fast forward about 6 days. I was on Facebook and was friended by a handsome guy… a guy that I went to high school with a hundred years before but had never seen or talked to since. We started chatting and the rest is, well… history. I married him one year later almost to the day. I could go into every lovely detail but let’s just say that I KNEW I was going to marry him on our first date. My heart was pounding for him. He was everything I wanted but didn’t know it. I had found him. I could. Not. Believe that it happened so quickly, but it did. Even at the time I didn’t think it was possible. One thing that stood out about him was that he knew Benji in high school. But the one thing that made my decision final was him telling me that he had been in a bible study with Benji about 7 years prior. The study was on the John Eldridge book Wild at Heart. I remember when Benji attended this study. Well, during their conversations David remembers Benji talking about the type of father he wanted to be. He wanted to be a hands on dad, a dad that would teach his sons all the manly things of life. Well, David saved this in his heart, not knowing that one day he would be fathering Benji’s boys. It’s enough to make me faint. David is the perfect father for the boys in this way. He is hands on, he teaches them everything he knows and he loves them more than anything. 

     Just weeks after Benji died Jonah had purchased a toy tape measure from the school store. On it read “My dad rules”. He said he bought it for his new dad, something that wasn’t on my radar what so ever.  His precious little 7 year old heart even had hope for a new dad one day. David is a carpenter. Jonah gave it to him our first Christmas together. God is miraculous and He had David picked out even then. 

     Even though this is magical and amazing and blessed it still doesn’t come without complications of the heart. I seem to have recurring dreams about Benji that disturb me to the core. I had another one last night and perhaps it’s because all of this has been swirling in my head. In these dreams Benji comes back. Every single time it is the same scenario but different circumstances. In this dream he had only been gone for 6 weeks on a mission trip. He came back. I was married to David and had Emmy. In these dreams he expects everything to go back to the way it was and I am looming with the idea that I have to eventually tell him about my new life. It is agonizing every single time. Sometimes I tell him and sometimes I wake up before I am able to.  The most complicated part about it is that I am devastated that I no longer get to live life with David and I miss him so much. In this dream it seemed so real that I actually had the thought that this isn’t a dream, it is real this time. I no longer have David. Then I woke up and felt immense relief. What a horrible relief to feel. Complication of the heart at its worst. My subconscious is trying to untangle the web of emotions with having remarried as a widow. I am still dealing with guilt and anxiety in my dream world. Perhaps it will figure itself out one day. 

     This is a complication that my head and heart will never figure out. Although I love two men, romantic love has gone from Benji to David. I love Benji differently now. It’s no longer romantic but even deeper than that. He was the person I grew up with. He taught me so much about life and gratitude. I have countless precious memories and he gave me my boys. I love him so much, but its different now.     

     God worked astoundingly as he has weaved my life into something new. I knew that it was possible but it was impossible for me to even conceive. Fast forward 6 years. We just celebrated 5 amazing years of marriage. We have a sweet, almost 3 year old girl, who is the light of our life and we share 3 amazing boys. 2 mine and 1 his but all OURS! And we live in a brand new state with a brand new life. Life has taken so many crazy turns and I’m still spinning.

     So for all those widows out there. Some of you are longing for your long lost love this Valentine’s Day. Some of you are hoping for a romantic gesture from a new man. Some of you are in a new relationship and navigating the complicated feelings and some of you have moved forward with new love, and like me adore your new life but still love your old life. Wherever you are just know that God has a beautiful plan for your life despite the sorrow and heartache. He promises to bring beauty from ashes. He did for me and HE WILL FOR YOU! It’s ok to move forward, it’s OK to love again. There is a lot of force telling us it is not ok, but IT IS! 

Life has a way of morphing constantly, for Widows it’s a burst of new reality in an instant but it is still in God’s hands.

This song sings of the way that God is navigating our life even when we only see dark. 

“And if from the course You intend I depart

Speak to the sails of my wandering heart”

No matter how out of control our life seems, God has a plan, God knows your pain…God is our true NORTH!

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

Happy Valentines Day!

About Heidi Vegh

Heidi was born and raised in Salt Lake City, UT. She married her high school sweetheart, Benji, at age 20, in 2000. They lived in a beautiful little house and had two cute boys, Jonah and Isaac. They are now 13 and 11. Benji had always suffered with Crohn's disease but it took a turn for the worst in January 2013, when he got diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer of the colon and liver. They spent the next 7 months enduring chemotherapy and even spent some time in Houston with a renowned cancer research doctor. Unfortunately, Benji was taken to heaven at the precious age of 33 on September 7th, 2013. This tragic loss left Heidi in turmoil as she was now a single mother raising two small children, 6 and 7 at the time. The one thing that she clung to that gave her hope was her faith in God. She had experienced His peace during the difficult experience of benji's sickness and she knew God would also be with her through her new step in widowhood. She blogged her entire experience with many followers and was able to share the love of God through her tragic circumstance. In Feb 2014, she met David. They knew almost immediately that they wanted to be together. In January 2015, David and Heidi were married. David is a strong man of faith, and exactly who Benji would have wanted Heidi to marry and to raise his boys. In June 2016, they decided to take a leap of faith and move to Gig Harbor, WA where David's young son, Harlo, lived with his mom. This was again an experience that proved God's faithfulness as she was concerned for the sake of her young boys leaving everything they had ever known after already losing their daddy. However, they now love living in the PNW, the boys are thriving and they have a beautiful baby girl Emmy who is 2 1/2. Life is busy with 4 children but they couldn't be happier. Heidi is working hard to pursue her long desired degree in Creative Writing, she is involved in MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and spends lots of time volunteering in her church. Heidi has a passion for writing and telling her story in hopes of offering some encouragement for other young widows. She understands the life altering title and longs to love and support any new widows that she comes across.