I never would describe myself as strong. People have told me, “you are a strong woman”.  But I don’t always see myself that way, but I should. I have survived one of my worst nightmares, my lowest low and fought to be here. So in times like this where there is much going on in the world, things like Covid-19 are small compared to what I have already been through. 

 

First of all, it’s hard to think we can go through or survive something as difficult as losing your spouse.  It seems surreal. As much as Covid-19 has disrupted life and changed things, it has also brought some beautiful things too. It has reminded me that I have already survived one of my worst nightmares. Something I never thought would happen to me. So I can climb this mountain and get to the top of this one too. 

 

I mean, we climb “mountains” our whole lives right? We climb them if we want to get to where we are going.  If we just sit at the bottom we just get stuck. When Andy died, my mountain felt like Mount Everest. It felt impossible to conquer and I wondered if I would ever be able to climb it.  I have been climbing my “Mount Everest” for 2 years and 10 months now. I am getting good at it.

 

 Sometimes, when I am exhausted or fear gets in my way, I forget that I am quite capable and need just that little reminder. So I am grateful for the little nudges God sends me. I am grateful for the ones in my life that don’t let me forget. Just a week ago in a moment of overwhelm and possible panic my sister reminded me, “It’s in these moments that you take a deep breath and you decide to keep going. Because these are the moments that make us strong”. Now, I was in tears and she had more words to help talk me down, but when I finally calmed down and let the words sink in, I took in a deep breath and let it out and she said, “That. That right there is the breath I was talking about”. 

 

If you are reading this then you are still here and you have survived. Or maybe your journey down this road has just begun and you are wondering if you have any fight in you? Maybe you too just need a reminder that you can do this and you are strong! Keep going! Don’t forget it’s okay to ask for help. We do not have to be on this journey alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out. 

 

In these times of uncertainty remember we have already faced extreme uncertainty of our futures and wondered what comes next! We fought and faced our fears to move forward. Most importantly……..we are already survivors! 

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Celi Olson

Celi Olson is a busy, single, working Mama of two, who loves to write. Her world turned upside down when she became a widow on June 29, 2017 when her husband took his life. Words, journaling, writing, poems all became huge tools of comfort and healing through her journey. Through her faith in God, family, friends, support groups and therapy she has learned a lot and grown. Celi has come to the point of sharing her experiences and what she is going through. She hopes it helps even one person or helps someone not feel alone, then it will be worth it.

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