Imagining the unimaginable

Music has always been important in my life. Certain kinds of music.  Smooth jazz, jazz standards, music with Caribbean/African rhythms, Classical music and Christian worship music.  My tastes are as eclectic as my taste in colors and clothes.  People always say I’m hard to define. Well I guess that’s the beauty of being human- we’re all made up of different colors of beautiful clay. Molded into a marvelous being.

It appears that music has the ability to turn around my day gone bad.  A moving melody can shift the atmosphere and turn my mood from good to even great.  I particularly remember one song produced in 2001- “I can only Imagine*”.   The song is about how life will be once in the heavenly presence of God.  That song continues to resonate with me.

Words have meanings

Since my husband died in 2015, one thing I constantly hear from people are these words, “I can’t imagine…..”

“I can’t imagine my husband dying… I don’t know what I’d do”.  True words spoken.  Most widows didn’t and even now, often don’t  know what to do without their soulmate, their partner.  Unfortunately, There is no playbook.

They often said, “I can’t imagine having to sell a house so beautiful and leave such a wonderful community!” Well I didn’t either!  How was I to know that that sudden loss in finances would cause us to have to move, leaving my endearing neighbors and the wonderful colorful house we lived in for 16 years.  That’s a part of those heart-wrenching secondary losses I experienced.

“I can’t imagine having to rebuild a life without my husband. How do you do it?” , she said. Looking back over the past 5 years, I too am shocked to still be standing, still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other. I’m surprised at being lifted out of that dark grief that held me captive for many lonely months and years.

Understand, I’m not one to watch what others do or how they live.  In other words, that’s just not me. As a result,  I’ve always walked to my own beat and moved to my own preplanned groove.  However, becoming a widow was not in my plans, and I didn’t for it.  I don’t think I could have prepared myself for the pain, hurt and sorrow.  But I believe God knew and created me strong enough to reach out and obtain hope.  Hope when I couldn’t imagine the next minute, hour or day.

The Future

To imagine is to seek beyond the present. To believe in tomorrow, to dream. Also, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do believe in hope and somehow a better future.  In the meantime, I’ll keep listening to encouraging, wildly creative music –its beats, words and melodies wrapping around my head, my heart and my soul.

And therefore I’ll imagine only good things for my life.

*I can only Imagine: (




Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.

Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.