When we are children we have dreams and visions of what our life will be like. It often is never what we envisioned. For me I didn’t envision such pain and hurt. I didn’t envision losing my husband to mental illness. But God didn’t promise me rainbows and sunshine all the time.
That sounds depressing doesn’t it? That God doesn’t promise us happiness? I thought so at first too. But after everything I have been through, especially since the death of my husband, I realized what God did promise. He promises hope and a future. He promised beauty for ashes. He promised to love me and always have my back. God has showed up for me every step of the way!
I found that if I took a step in faith even though life hurt, God could still give me joy and beauty. No, it didn’t take the pain away. No, it didn’t make me forget. But it sure helped to see beauty through it or have joy despite being in pain and hurting. I discovered it truly was possible to be at peace in the middle of a storm! God is good. What’s that saying? “Sometimes God calms the storm. But sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms the sailor.” I have experienced both.
So I started making a point to look for the good things and the things to be grateful for. I wrote them down at first. It could have been something small like the sunset is gorgeous tonight. Or something like a friend bringing dinner over or an aunt picking my kiddo from school. Little by little that started to change my view. I started focusing on those things instead of the pain, hurt and the bad things going on. Some days took more work than others to hold onto those things. Like anything you practice at, you get better and better at it.
It’s hard to climb your way out sometimes of the dark pit you find yourself in. Having hope is what helps lift us up! I found my hope in God. Maybe you do too or maybe you found it somewhere else. But when you do find it my widow friends, hold onto it! Don’t lose hope!
I lost my husband last September 28,2020. He was a functional Bipolar and he was still recovering from a major depression when he died. It just started with loose bowel movement which led to his dehydration.Due to his condition, he barely complained nor communicated he was feeling sick..or perhaps I was not keen and sensitive enough to realized that due to his age (62) he needed immediate medical attention. He was always sleeping as a depressive person usually does. He never woke up.. He was in pain and in agony because he had a renal failure as his Laboratory results showed. He was in a shock state for a few days . We desperately waited for an ICU admission at any city HOSPITAL… (DUE to COVID 19 VIRUS PANDEMIC) on the night he passed away.There were no available ICUs …the EMERGENCY UNITS had patients who have COVID 19 virus at all the CITY Hospitals . Then at that dreadful night, he started to manifest labored breathing. This gave me a sign that he might be having a heart stroke… I whispered goodbye while sobbing fearfully… I said sorry too for all my misgivings…I beg for his forgiveness, I told him he can go… At midnight, he was gone forever..My adult children were not able to say goodbye… They cannot accept their father was gone too soon. He died while we were awaiting for a 191 ambulance…The grief I feel is so deep that I am consumed with despair everyday . I just decided to go back to work on the tenth day since he died.. I am hopeful that small steps to moving on will lessen the pain… Thanks to all the loving support of my family… friends.. relatives ,employer and co-workers… Your blogs helped and encouraged me to be hopeful of better days ahead…Life indeed is short. I have to live in the moment… appreciate the present blessings that will slowly push me to a level of peace and finally accetance. GOD HELP ME.
Thank YOU Penny!