I had a dream and it was one of those dreams that when you wake up, you cry because you realize it was a dream. Since Bryan’s death, dreams have been what I pray for every night. I pray for him to visit me, so we can talk and most nights he does. Last nights dream was different, we were old and sitting on the porch watching what I assume were our grandkids play. It was beautiful and so peaceful. We lived in a cabin with lots of land and little kids were running around. Oh how I wish that dream would have been our future. That’s how it was suppose to be, us growing old together, enjoying our time when we became empty nesters, watching Madison & Aiden become adults and seeing them navigate their journeys of life. He would have been the best Pop to his future grandkids. Our future plans were to try and retire young and live a simple life. That’s what we had started planning, but death has a way of taking all our plans and turning them upside down and destroying them. I wasn’t sure how to plan for a future without him. I felt so lost and hopeless. Grief was getting the best of me and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it. Then one day I realized I had to stop trying to picture my future and live in the present. Trying to plan for the future was stealing any joy I might be feeling and I was spending so much time worrying about what was I going to do when I got older and Madison & Aiden were grown that I couldn’t enjoy anything. My days and nights consisted of not only terrible grief, but so much unnecessary worry. I mean I had plenty to worry about without adding to it. I realized that none of it was really in my control anyway. Sure, I had control over how I was feeling and my outlook on life, but I think we all know we are not guaranteed our next breath. Living in the present, finding a way to let grief and joy coexist, that is what I needed to be focusing on. I am thankful that with a lot of work and a lot of therapy I can finally say I am finding that balance. Do I still think about the future that will never be, ABSOLUTELY! I am just learning to not sit with that empty feeling for to long. To feel what I need to feel and then let it go. I realized that is what works for me right now. I feel I am growing and discovering new ways of dealing and coping with my grief. It is always there, the grief. Somedays it stays in the background and then somedays its rears its ugly head. On those days, I have to just let it be and not fight it. I sit with it, I feel it and then I try to let it go. I think the Beatles & Elsa said it best “Let it Be” and “Let it Go”.
Until next time sweet friends..