A lamentation is an expression of sorrowing, mourning, or regret. This blog is full of lamentations from widows. But it is also full of hope, hence the name “Hope for Widows”.
I recently read a blog post about venting. It made me really stop and think about the past 17 months. There is absolutely nothing wrong with lamenting, with sorrow, with mourning, with grief. Along with all this, though, there are many other emotions all tied up in knots.
There is love. All that love that I miss and long for. All the love I can’t show him anymore.
There is loneliness. Thankfully it’s not constant. I try to stay busy and will soon be working again. I go to church, have lunch with a friend on occasion, walk my dog, see my grandkids and shuttle them around to activities and school. But, when the nights roll around, the darkness and quiet open the floodgates of that loneliness that is always in the background.
“My face is flushed from weeping, And on my eyelids is the shadow of death”
– Job 16:16
There is anger. I’ve worked through that and am at peace with most of the things that made me angry last year. I think anger, unlike loneliness, can be controlled.
“In short, is it ok to “vent?” Scripture offers a nuanced response. It gives permission, admonishes caution, and provides direction. It gives permission for honest expression, caution to avoid harm, and direction to express your heart to God. “ – Todd Stryd
There is thankfulness. This one doesn’t always come easy, I am trying to purposefully look for God’s grace and mercy in my world.
There is anxiety and fear. This is a big one for me. I never considered myself an anxious person, but 4-5 years ago I found myself having small bouts of anxiety. I don’t say they are full blown anxiety attacks, but the helpless feeling they bring can be frightening. Now I have to fight it more often. I pray and remind myself of the things that are going right, the things I have to be grateful for. I remember Who my Father is and Who cares for me.
There is confusion. We try to laugh off “Widow’s Brain’ or ”Widow’s Fog” but it’s real. A lot of it can be attributed to lack of sleep.
There is hesitancy. The lack of confidence pops up when I have to make a decision I’ve never been faced with before or perform a task that’s new for me. As widows there are so many decisions to make in a very short time after our spouses die. There are so many things we now have to do that our husbands took care of. I bought a house this year that seems to be somewhat of a money pit. As I write this the roofers are finishing up with the new roof on my 96 year old house.
This is just the tip of the roller coaster of emotions we go through on a daily basis. But, as I read the Bible I find others who experienced these feelings. David, Job, Solomon, and many others. It helps knowing I’m in good company!
About Angie Bell
Angie Bell was born in Georgia but raised in Florida to where she recently returned after six years in Birmingham, Alabama. She is a former teacher who loves hiking, photography, and writing, often combining all three.
After planning for several years, working on a way to live on a shoestring budget, Angie’s husband of 41 years put in for early retirement so they could move back home. They put their house on the market and had a contract within four days. Less than two weeks later her husband was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. They decided to transfer his care and move back to Jacksonville, Florida, renting a furnished apartment and hoping for a miracle. One month later he was gone. After her third move in less than a year, Angie is now in Tampa where her grandchildren live, trying to find her way in her new life. God, in His mercy, has put numerous other widows in her life and a new empathy for this sisterhood she never would have chosen.