Do you ever wish you could have a rewrite on life? Didn’t like how that part of my life went I will just change it like they do when they make a book into a movie. Nope don’t like that he died so we will just change the way that goes instead he will go to the doctor earlier and never have that heart attack.
I was talking to a coworker earlier in the week about the college classes I am taking now and how I wish I had taken them when I first got my degree. The other thing I could have done was taken some more biology classes and then go on to get my master’s degree and I could have become a teacher. He said that he could see me doing that. That would have been a good rewrite.
But if I had a different life back then I might not have met Matt. And that is the part of my story that I am not willing to give up. I would like to change parts of our story, but no marriage is perfect. Rewriting the past is not something that I can do I can only learn to live with it.
I can still remember the first time we met and how it felt. On our first date when I complained about how the Hunger Games was different in the book the whole way home. The day we got married now I wish we had a photographer. There are so many days that stick out to me. And I would not want to rewrite any of them so that he was not in my story.
I lived with regrets and guilt for a long time after Matt died. They ate at me and there were days that I wished I made different choices and never fell in love with him. That was the grief talking because I believe he was my soulmate and I am not sure if you get a second chance at that. I would have always felt like I was missing part of me.
My grandma has Covid and for the last few days, it has not been looking good. She has done this before then bounced back but there is always that maybe this is it this time. The part I wish I could rewrite is that I had Covid two weeks ago. I am her caretaker and it is most likely that she got it because I brought it home. And my old friend guilt came to knock on my door and I let it in.
I told my mom I have this great thing where I like to blame myself for things out of my control. Shit, I tried to blame myself when Matt died. It was because I did not force him to go to the doctor if we never had that fight, If I had just let him go to his brothers for a few days then talk on the weekend instead of overreacting. If I could only rewrite our ending.
So last night I started to watch Firefly lane and got mad when I realized how much they changed from the book. How do you just rewrite something so you like it better that is not how life works. And so today I was thinking about how I would rewrite my story if I was given the chance to. Hence this blog post.
I was also up to four in the morning and am a bit sleep-deprived because I haven’t worked on that whole worrying and guilt thing that I do. Next up is fixing the fear of commitment I have seemed to develop. The fear of letting someone in only for them to leave or die is real. The one rewrite I wish I had is the one where he dies. In my dreams he is still alive we live on the farm with our child. Life is good and then I wake wishing my dream was real.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.