I feel lost.
Like a boat out to sea that can’t find its way out of the storm. The waves are crashing in on the deck. I look around and I am alone. No place to put down my anchor.
My compass is broken and can’t find where I need to go. I am lost just drifting around.
There is a hole in my heart, and I am broken. The people that I need to bring me to shore are gone forever. I know they are watching me from heaven trying to guide me home.
I am lost my sense of home is gone.
Matt was my home. My grandma was my anchor. I know I am not alone. My family and friends will be there for me as I deal with this storm that is raging on. I am lost, but I can hear the people I need calling me.
As I pack a home that was well lived in for more than sixty years and has been my home for eight, I can’t help but feel the sadness that comes along. Somethings I need to part with although I would like to keep them. I feel that wave of pain as it crashes in.
I am moving and starting the next chapter of my life but I am not sure how to start living. Eventually, that storm will stop hitting as hard as it has in the last week. I have lost two people that meant the most to me in less than two years. I know that this feeling of being lost will end at some point.
My mom has to get heart surgery and I am nervous that if something goes wrong, I will lose another person. I am leaning into my faith and know that God will only give me only what I can handle.
God will lead me out of this storm. He will be my compass I just have to trust him to lead me back to shore. I know that through my faith I will be able to overcome this wave.
I am lost without Matt but little by little I am finding myself again. The other day as I walked into the church and stood at the front I felt them with me. As I started to read my eulogy and choke up I knew Matt was with me telling me it was okay.
I took a week off to deal with the changes that have happened with my grandma’s passing. Tomorrow is my first day back since she died. I need to go back but still have so much to do at the house to get ready to move.
I am lost in the ocean alone and as I drift back to the shore I am healing bit by bit.