Dip your toe into the water. Test it out to see if it is the correct temperature. It feels okay to step into it but not far. Go a bit further. Then realize you are not ready to take the plunge just yet.

That is how signing up for a dating app went this week. I figured I would try it even if I am not sure I am ready for a long-term relationship it would be a good first step. So I picked one and went for it.

I made it three days before I deleted it. This is not the first time I have tried it and not the first time I deleted it. Test the waters until I realize that I am not ready.

Life has this way of making me think I am ready to take a plunge when I am just feeling more adventurous than I am. Things have been better. My heart is healing. And I still believe in love so why not try.

I always end up thinking these guys are not my type or comparing them to Matt. I swipe left more than right and they always like a photo. And what is with all of them going to the gym or hiking that is not a thing?

I want to believe that we all get more than one love but do we. Do we get multiple “ones”?

Matt and I were not perfect not romanticizing our relationship is something I don’t do. I don’t want another Matt and that is not what I am looking for.

When joining these dating apps, I always think half of these guys are probably married. Especially the ones that have at least one picture with a woman their age in the profile.

For the other half, I end up thinking there is a reason they are single.

At this moment I know that I am not ready and delete happens.

Not that I was ready when Matt and I started dating. And that was us being friends for six months before that.

So instead of dating someone today, I was looking into adopting another dog. I am ready for that. A voice in my head said I knew you would end up with 27 dogs. I laughed a bit knowing Matt is up there laughing.

I might not be ready now but I still have faith. That I will not find another love on a dating app. Matt and all of my family along with God will put the right person in my life when it is time.

Until then I will adopt Dogs and work towards fostering a child. I will make shadow boxes to hang on my walls and paint.

I will stick to my routines to stay busy and not download a dating app.



Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.