Close your eyes and drift off to sleep. Normally when you wake you do not remember what if anything you dreamed of but this time the dream stays with you. It is the thing that you fear. A dream that your husband has died, and the police have come to notify you.
You push him to actually go see a doctor because this dream has shaken you. He has been sick on and off for weeks. Sleeping a lot. But still, he does not go. Normally you would make the appointment, but he is an adult, and you haven’t had time. Then one day your worst fear happens.
Then life keeps knocking you down and your fear of losing more people seems to become a reality and you forget to live. Your anxiety picks up as life spins. When you finally get your anxiety triggers to calm down and you start to move on something else happens.
Now a year and nine months later a new fear has arrived. You don’t realize the power you have given it until someone points out that you are itching a lot and there is nothing stressing you that much at work. Then one co-worker points out that everything happening in your life is like past events.
My mom’s aunt passed away unexpectedly last weekend and it was probably the trigger that set off the anxiety and the itching. That alone is not the issue it is that my mom is having chest pains, she is easily fatigued and just in general does not cause the fear.
She was supposed to have her catheterization on Tuesday, but it was postponed. Fear starts to take over. Now we wait for the insurance company to allow it. In the meantime, we have to hope for the best.
I have given power to my fear. Allowing it to make itself at home. Letting past experiences tell me that it will happen again. That good does not always happen that bad wins out more. It causes me to itch until I bled cause I don’t know that I am doing it.
But I don’t have to give power to fear. I can tell it to go F*ck itself. Fear is not an option anymore. Allowing it to take over will not do me any good. Fear allows for constant worry. I forget to live.
This week I have spent more time outside to refill my soul. To put my fears at ease. Walking in the woods listening to the birds chirp. Knowing that is the sound I will always fear when I go on a walk on the farm.
This week I am going to continue working on not letting my fear gain power over me. I am going to live my life the best I can and put my trust in God. That what happens is meant to be. While I can not figure out why some things happen the way they do I know that God had a reason.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.