Christmas morning, I wake up in my house alone. Just the cat and the dog are with me. A strange feeling passes over me. One of longing. Christmas has not felt like it used to since 2020. Yesterday I was mad at God. The two people that I needed in this world are gone.
My faith has been shaken. I still believe in God that is not the issue. The issue is that God’s plan and my plan did not match, and it has left me with so much pain and I don’t understand why that has happened. It all happens for a reason and God has a plan for you well I would love to know it.
I spent Christmas Eve with Matt’s Family, and it is the first since he passed that I did not break down and cry it felt like such a victory. I had hoped that Christmas would feel the same but as I rolled over in bed and saw the time, I did not feel like getting out from under the covers.
But I did jump into the shower and then zoom into church I still could not find it in me to be happy about Jesus birth. I did not feel the excitement I used to at my sister’s house but still had a good time. Coming home I turned on Firefly Lane and watched almost the whole season in one night.
And that is when I really just allowed myself to be mad at God. Not just in movies but I have seen couples go through things say they are splitting and then end up back together. And while I can’t say that if Matt had lived, we would be sitting in my house watching a movie I can’t help but want that chance.
Instead, I am a widow who for whatever reason still does not feel at times like I have the right to be happy while he is not in the world. Love is not something I am sure I can do again. And while I am sure God has a plan for me, I don’t want to plan cause last time that ended up in heartbreak.
If Matt was not part of my long-term plan, then why did God allow me to fall in love with him only to end up eight years later without him? Why were we not able to have a child?
Being mad at God is not something I want to be. It is not who I am.
But if not God that who can I be mad at other than myself? And I am no longer blaming myself for his death.
I know that in the end, I will find my way back to God. This is just a test of my faith. My faith journey is not done. And for now, I am going to be mad while trusting God really does have a plan.
Christmas will always be hard with people missing that now only live in my heart. I would love to talk about Christmas pass with all of them, but those memories keep my hope alive.
I still hope that God will find a way for me to be a mom to a child. That I will find the strength and courage to open my heart to love again. I believe that God will put the right people into my life ones that will help me continue my healing.
I have come so far in 2022 on my path and my hope for 2023 is that I can reclaim my faith.
Hearing your story I relate so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancé 4 years into our relationship (last year in November). He was only 36. Never did I imagine going through this at 28. This has been the most devastating thing that has happened to me. Every day is different but one this is for sure, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of him or miss him.