New Year same grieving Widow. As I sat alone in my house nursing my spiked eggnog watching a romance movie that ended up not being the happy ending type of movie and bawling my eyes out as I felt for the one left behind.
It was 11 pm I had an hour before the New Year would hit and as everyone posted their pictures on Facebook my heart was heavy. I am entering the third year in which Matt is not alive. The first is that there will be no new memories with Grandma.
The New Year is not going to make my pain go away in the blink of an eye. But I can continue to work on myself. As I look back to how I felt in 2021 can in and then 2022 I know I am not the same women I was then.
I had a little cry fest last night then battled with my insomnia before going to sleep at 5 am thank God today is Sunday and I did not have to work. New Year but the same issues from years past.
Although I am still broken, I am healing. I have found peace, hope, and myself in the last 365 days. I know next year I will look back at this year and see progress. Not giving up on myself and continuing to fight for the woman I know I am.
In 2023 I want to open my heart to love again. Knowing that will be a battle as I fight the demons that tell me there are no happy endings. In the end, love ends in heartache for someone. Then I remind myself that my fears and anxiety are lying to me.
And at the moment moving on looks like I swipe left a lot on bumble and do not swipe right often. I am okay with that because at least I am trying. It is a new year and making progress toward going on a date is good enough for me.
I want to learn to put my regrets behind me. Let go of the guilt I carry. Stop blaming myself for him dying when I am in a rut and feel like I need him. I am going to be gentler with myself. In this New Year, I am going to continue to love myself.
Through this journey, I have been reminded that I am loved by so many people, and I will continue to be grateful for my friends and family.
It is a new year and for me, that means another 365 days to figure out how to continue living and honoring those I have lost.
Tonight, I am turning on the PlayStation Matt bought me and although I can’t seem to play a game we played I can download a new game and try that. To continue to embrace the gamer that lives inside of me that Matt loved. To not forget who I was before and with him.
I hope that all of us at the end of this year will feel a little less lost, more hopeful, and less broken. Widowhood is not something we think about until it happens, but it is important to remember that we are not alone in this fight.
We are strong when we didn’t think we could be. Survival was the only choice we had and every day we do just that. And there will be days that we are happy and days that we are sad and that is okay. A New Year is not a magical fix. Grief last forever it just gets more bearable over time.