Regrets.
Regrets that last year I could not handle Easter and I ended up sitting in my car crying instead of eating with my family. My grandma’s last holiday with us and I could not get past my grief to celebrate with her.
Regrets that I allowed work to come between Matt and I. Taking a position and then working extreme hours to survive it. Allowing us to become strangers in our own home.
Regrets that I did not tell him I wanted more of his time instead of allowing him to spend almost every Saturday with his friends. I should have told him that I needed him instead of hoping he would choose me because I did not want to be needy.
Regrets that I allowed so many things to come before him and us. I would stretch myself so thin that I would have trouble sleeping, and would snap at him.
Regrets that in the end, I lost the person that I loved the most.
Regrets that I did not say no to having a memorial service. That I did not protect his wishes on that. Knowing that it was most likely that he knew I could not handle sitting there alone without him.
Regrets keep me in the past. Unable to turn the page and start a new chapter.
Regrets hold me back from being happy. Not knowing how to start something new when I haven’t gotten closure on the past. Knowing that even if I forgive myself Matt can’t forgive me.
Regrets and our relationship only existed in the last year of our marriage. I wish I could go back and change things. Instead of waiting to have a child, we should have just done it right away. I will always regret not having a child with him.
Regretting that we always told ourselves that after my grandma passed we would be okay because at the time she was the priority for me. Who knew he would die first?
Regret not doing everything in my power to get him to a doctor.
Regret that he was alone when he died.
Regret that I love you was not the last thing I said to him.
One thing I did not regret was starting a relationship with him. Fighting for us when he wanted to end it when we first started dating. Saying yes when he proposed. Marrying him even though I would lose him.
Whenever a regret pops into my head I just think of a happy memory of us. I talk about him and laugh about the good time we had together. There will never be a time that I regret saying his name and sharing a story.
No one lives a life worth living without regretting bits and pieces but when my heart lost Matt those regrets became the voice in my head. Leaving me depressed and confused.
There will always be days that I think back and regret bits and pieces of my relationship. The way I grieved after losing Matt made decisions and lashed out in a way I would have if he was with me. Learning from our regrets in the only thing that we can do.
Mark your calendars for May 12, 13 or 14!! Widows of Hope 5K Annual virtual event is back! Let’s come together to support, honor, and bring awareness. More details to come.
SAY THEIR NAME. REMEMBER. HONOR.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.