The Deepest Kind of Loneliness
As a widow, a woman experiences the deepest type of loneliness. Loneliness that cuts you deeply at your core.
Loneliness that screams deep in your soul that the person who carried the deepest and most vulnerable parts of your true self is no longer here to carry them. Nor is he here to love the imperfect parts of you unconditionally.
Loneliness that leaves you breathless when you realize that now only one person loves your children with that biological, deep parental investment, purpose, pride, and responsibility.
Loneliness when it hits you hard that all the precious years you shared with your husband you now remember alone. Some days the carrying of the treasured moments you shared feels so fragile that you are afraid of losing them without your strong other half to celebrate the moments and keep them alive with you.
Loneliness when you are in a room full of well intended loves ones, and you realize that if you combine the sum total of the depth of relationship you feel and the amount of trust you have with all of these many individuals together, it never comes close to the quality of the relationship you had with your husband.
Loneliness when the day knocks you off your feet with difficulties, the weights you bear are overpowering and the one person who could make it all better will never do that for you again.
Loneliness when you realize that the depth of your relationship you shared was that way because of years of investment and even though your heart longs to experience that kind of great love again, the idea of starting from scratch with a stranger to try to find this rare gift again exhausts you.
As I constantly reflect and think deeply about so much, it occurred to me that my sweet husband was the only person that has ever lived that I have shared everything with. The depth of the bond of closeness and intimacy we shared was precious and priceless. My fears, insecurities, struggles and successes as a child, he honored and cared about. We shared the day to day routine and with its successes and failures. He celebrated with me in the happy times, and generously lent me his shoulder to cry on in the times of sorrow. So often with his humor and sincerity and lightheartedness, he was the only one who could turn my stressful day around. The day might have been tiring and filled with disappointment, but as soon as he came home from work, everything was better.
The relationships with others that created frustrations or positive moments or hurts I could only share with him. He was the only place that was always safe. Now without him, navigating all the relationships with others gets challenging.
I can’t always seek advice from or vent to all people in my support network about another. It gets tricky. How blessed I was to always have my husband on my side. No matter what might have gone awry in the other relationships of life or in the workplace, we knew we always had each other’s back.
How blessed I was to have had that kind of special relationship in my life. Going through life as a team, hand in hand. Sharing a common vision for our family and future. Dreaming our dreams together. Being filled with the hope of a lifetime of love. I guess he truly had that….. a lifetime of my love. A short lifetime in my personal opinion, but I am grateful that he never had to experience losing me or any of his other loved ones.
But me on the other hand……oh the shattered brokenness, the deep loneliness of living a life without him in it.
In Hope & Prayers,
~From This Widow Mama~
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Yes thank you. As others have said, you captured our thoughts exactly. I lost my dear husband three years ago and he was to me precisely as you describe. How blessed we were! And it is a gift that we widows can at least find solace in each other. Thank you again.
Thanks so much for your sweet comment. Yes, we were so blessed. I am glad you felt the same about your husband. What a gift that kind of marriage truly is. I am glad we all have each other on this very hard journey through grief. God bless!
I went to bed with the love of my life 21st July and woke 00:48 22nd July to him having cardiac arrest spending 20 minutes battling to save him with CPR until paramedics arrived and spent 45 doing all they could but he was gone 😔💔 I never ever thought I could feel pain like I’ve felt since then and still be breathing 😔 thought losing my mother was the worst pain ever but she was so Ill and I expected that and this is so much worse 😟 how do u ever get over this pain?
I am so so sorry Louise. I agree that this pain is the worst I also have ever felt and the trauma of seeing our dear husband’s dying and all those flash backs, etc. are excruciating. I will be praying for you. I wish I knew the answer for how to get over this pain. I ask myself the same. I know that the two things that keep me going are my little boys and the knowledge that through Christ’s death and resurrection I know my husband is in heaven and one day I will be with him again. Without that sure hope of a reunion one day, I don’t know where I would be. Thanks so much for entrusting to us your story.
This explains everything I feel I lost my husband of 26 wonderful yrs in 2016 and I still feel exactly like this I’ve never been able to express it though ty so much for putting it into words for me after all this time reading this helped me so much god bless you on this journey and may his grace be with you
Thank you Sonya for taking the time to write that comment and to share a bit of your story with us. I am glad that the blog was a help.
So eloquently stated, Dorothy. Loneliness is probably the worst part of being a widow. It is all-consuming, all the time. Thank you for this.
I appreciate your kind words. It truly is all-consuming and constant. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
So beautifully written and so honestly true.
Others will tell me they understand but only another widow truly understands this type of loneliness.
That is so true. I am glad that you found the blog helping to know you aren’t alone in experiencing this kind of loneliness. Thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to comment.
Dorothy you said everything perfectly. Thank you.
Thank you for that kind feedback. I appreciate you commenting.
I could have written this myself. You put words the the feelings many can not ever nor would they dare try to face. I am three years in and still mourn the loss of my best friend and partner each day. Thank you for being real and raw. 💛
Thank you for commenting here and sharing some of your story. I am glad the blog writing was helpful and so relatable. I am so glad you were blessed to have considered your husband your very best friend too as I did. That is a gift from God.
You captured the deep heartcry of so many widows. Words we find so difficult to express to those around us. Words we hold in our hearts beside the waterfall of endless tears. It helps those of us who know what it means to lose our sweet husband… though we don’t want anyone else to know and feel this depth of pain. God bless you.
Thank you Teri for taking the time to comment and share. Your words are so beautiful as well. I appreciate the encouragement.
I agree with every word and each sentiment behind them. 100%. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Wishing you peace.
Thank you Arlene! I wish you peace as well and great comfort through all the lonely times on this journey. I am glad the blog was a help that so many could relate to.
Exactly. This. Articulates exactly what i feel. thank you.
You are welcome. I am so sorry there are so many lovely women feeling this type of deep pain and loneliness, but I am happy to have been able to write something that people could relate to and find at least a small measure of comfort in reading and knowing they aren’t along in feeling how they do. Thanks for taking the time to comment.