The Deepest Kind of Loneliness
As a widow, a woman experiences the deepest type of loneliness. Loneliness that cuts you deeply at your core.
Loneliness that screams deep in your soul that the person who carried the deepest and most vulnerable parts of your true self is no longer here to carry them. Nor is he here to love the imperfect parts of you unconditionally.
Loneliness that leaves you breathless when you realize that now only one person loves your children with that biological, deep parental investment, purpose, pride, and responsibility.
Loneliness when it hits you hard that all the precious years you shared with your husband you now remember alone. Some days the carrying of the treasured moments you shared feels so fragile that you are afraid of losing them without your strong other half to celebrate the moments and keep them alive with you.
Loneliness when you are in a room full of well intended loves ones, and you realize that if you combine the sum total of the depth of relationship you feel and the amount of trust you have with all of these many individuals together, it never comes close to the quality of the relationship you had with your husband.
Loneliness when the day knocks you off your feet with difficulties, the weights you bear are overpowering and the one person who could make it all better will never do that for you again.
Loneliness when you realize that the depth of your relationship you shared was that way because of years of investment and even though your heart longs to experience that kind of great love again, the idea of starting from scratch with a stranger to try to find this rare gift again exhausts you.
As I constantly reflect and think deeply about so much, it occurred to me that my sweet husband was the only person that has ever lived that I have shared everything with. The depth of the bond of closeness and intimacy we shared was precious and priceless. My fears, insecurities, struggles and successes as a child, he honored and cared about. We shared the day to day routine and with its successes and failures. He celebrated with me in the happy times, and generously lent me his shoulder to cry on in the times of sorrow. So often with his humor and sincerity and lightheartedness, he was the only one who could turn my stressful day around. The day might have been tiring and filled with disappointment, but as soon as he came home from work, everything was better.
The relationships with others that created frustrations or positive moments or hurts I could only share with him. He was the only place that was always safe. Now without him, navigating all the relationships with others gets challenging.
I can’t always seek advice from or vent to all people in my support network about another. It gets tricky. How blessed I was to always have my husband on my side. No matter what might have gone awry in the other relationships of life or in the workplace, we knew we always had each other’s back.
How blessed I was to have had that kind of special relationship in my life. Going through life as a team, hand in hand. Sharing a common vision for our family and future. Dreaming our dreams together. Being filled with the hope of a lifetime of love. I guess he truly had that….. a lifetime of my love. A short lifetime in my personal opinion, but I am grateful that he never had to experience losing me or any of his other loved ones.
But me on the other hand……oh the shattered brokenness, the deep loneliness of living a life without him in it.
In Hope & Prayers,
~From This Widow Mama~