When you have a week that you don’t experience a grief moment like you thought you would. That absence of an episode leaves you feeling like something is missing.
It is odd to miss grief. When everything is going to plan and you are happy. In the back of my head I keep waiting for it to hit.
Brain: His birthday is soon we should start feeling the sadness soon. Let’s prepare for it this time. We already know how this grief attack goes.
My grief: I don’t think we need to be sad for weeks on end this year. You are in a better emotional place. You are living your life.
Brain: But we are having lunch with his mom two days after his birthday so she can meet your boyfriend. This will set us over the edge.
My grief: They are happy that you are moving on and met someone. There is no reason to freak out.
Those are literally conversations I have been having with myself this week. The absence of grief is out of the ordinary for the last two years.
I almost feel like I am getting placed into a fault sense of security. And the grief bomb is going to go off when I am not expecting it.
But time is healing and the broken pieces of my heart are getting put back together. I found someone new that makes me feel whole and loved. I know Matt would be happy by all of this and that I am staying in his family’s lives.
In the next few weeks i just need to practice myself care. Be mindful of the grief bombs that are out there. Matt’s birthday and my grandmother’s birthday. I need not look for grief that doesn’t show. I am approaching the three year mark so maybe I am coming to terms with everything.
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
