Grief never ends.
As we move through the grief we face today we know there will be more things in the future to grieve. We will have periods of time where everything is going well we feel happy. But either a grief moment happens or a new loss.
Over the last three years I have been on what I refer to as my grief rollercoaster. I have had more then what I feel like I can handle bit apparently God thinks I can handle more. In about a week I will turn 35 and I am hoping I don’t lose anything that I get a year of peace.
Matt died weeks after my 32nd birthday. My grandmother died when I was 33. Thirty four I lost my four legged best friend. My mom is having heart issues and my anxiety is freaking out.
Over the last two weeks my sheep have been getting sick. The cause is unknown and I have lost more then ever. My heart is broken and fear of what could happen to the rest has me stressed out. Grief is present in my everyday.
I struggled to want to attend church this morning as I deal with everything at home. How could God continue to take things away from me. My faith has always gotten me through tough times so I went.
I lean on my support people. My parents, boyfriend and friends have all been around trying to help me through this latest grief moment. Helping me hold on to hope.
Grief brain has come back to make an appearance that has left me frustrated. Saying Matt’s name instead of me boyfriends in a conversation. Saying the completely wrong word. The rollercoaster I would love to get off of again.
Grief never ends it is always around there are just days that it is riding in the backseat waiting. We learn to live with it. And even though I am drowning at the moment I am still working on surviving. Knowing this to shall pass.
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
My dear Laurel
I too have found that grief never leaves me although it ebbs and flows.
I lost my Matt 2 1/2 years ago. I found happiness in those years but still found that grief would hit me like a ton of bricks without warning.
I thought something was terribly wrong with me that I couldn’t be happy on a consistent basis. I have since learned that I may always feel waves of grief but I’ve also learned to except those waves and sit with them which somehow brings me peace.
I’m learning that my life has done a 180 and that I wasn’t prepared to get to know a new Barb. I identified as wife, mother and companion-not Barb. Getting comfortable and trusting myself has been an uncomfortable journey. I trust that God will get me there in one piece.
Thank You for sharing your pain. Knowing that so many of us are on the same path is comforting. Together we are the strength to put one foot in front of the other.
Love and hope,
Barb❤️