Day by Day I have been just holding it together. So many things are happening and on top of it I am in that time of year that I hate now. My Birthday weekend was our last good weekend. Three weeks later he was gone. I am trying to avoid the rabbit hole that can be my grief.
I try not to relive it all in my head when I am overwhelmed with everything else. Loss has followed me over the last three years and sometimes it feels like I somehow pissed off God and he is taking things from me. I do know that that is not the case. I am just trying to hold it together for a little while longer.
Yesterday sitting at a concert one of the songs had a line that was I thought I would see you again. That line spoke to me in a way. When Matt left that day, I always thought that I would see him again. Never did I think that it was. That he would be gone from my life and the last time I would put eyes on him would be his dead body on a hospital table.
I was holding it together in the days leading up to his death and for so long after. Day by day I survived life and what it through at me until I was happy again. Meeting my boyfriend was unexpected but something that just felt right. And now I have someone to help me get through the hard times that feel like they will break me.
I am no longer holding it together alone. But tonight, I am still sad and just feel like crying. I have come a long way in my grief journey. Knowing when to feel the emotions of grief and not let them fester under my skin. Life will always be filled with loss and surviving the loss of Matt and my grandmother have just taught me how to grieve in the way I need to.
I will never apologize for how I grieve to anyone. Feeling my sadness and allow it at times to take root knowing that I will hold it together when needed. I can pretend with the best of them that everything is okay knowing that I can fall apart later.