If you told me three years ago tonight that Matt would die the day I would have never believed it. But somehow when the officer called to say he passed away I knew that he was gone. My life would forever be changed by that call.
The first year he was gone Matt’s mom wanted us all to go away together which started our annual trip. This year is the first time that I missed it because I got a stomach bug and it is still kicking my butt. And now that I was not there I was worried about how the family felt about it but also knew I would not have not made it five hours in a car.
I look forward to the trip away every year as it puts me in the right mental state and I am around people that understand me. This weekend I was sleeping a lot and did not get to figure out how I am going to feel tomorrow. I have to go to work to where I was when I learned he died tomorrow.
I told my boyfriend that tomorrow night I want a fire and a drink. He has been great about knowing when I need to have a grief moment and just support me. Which is probably why I am not worried about tomorrow. I know that if I fall apart I will have someone to pick up the pieces.
My life is not what I thought it would be three years ago. It has been a journey back to happiness and out of the darkness of grief. But I know that Matt would be happy to see me moving on and opening up to love again.
The first two years were hard and I did not see a way out of the sadness that came with the last week of September and the first week of October. But things do get better with time and there is hope for new widows. Don’t give up on trying to live again.
Tomorrow will be sad and there will be hallways I avoid and things I won’t want to do but I know that the reason I am going to be sad is that a life that was not only important to me but a lot of others is no longer in this world.