The Hole in my Heart


A new year begins and the hole in my heart doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller. I wonder if this is the way that grief will be impacting me for the rest of my life. Will the intense ache for my beloved ever stop feeling like an elephant sized portion of my heart is simply missing? The onset of a new year used to feel so different. It was rich in rejoicing over the blessings of the previous year and filled with hopeful anticipation of future dreams and adventures in the year ahead. Now the new year marks another year survived, an uncertain future, and still a giant hole, when what I really long for is to feel whole.

I know that God is in the business of healing broken things. Yet somehow in the course of praying with every ounce of faith from the ER that I could muster for God to intervene and rescue my sweetheart; And then enduring the traumatic loss when God’s answer was no, I guess I have become less expectant of good gifts coming from his hands. I know He possesses the ability to do absolutely anything He pleases, but on the tough days I find myself in a shaky place that doesn’t expect to ever feel good on the inside again.

A traumatic loss of this magnitude at this young age can feel like such a curse for a young widow. It seems to paint a dark cloud on every single year ahead, which is daunting for someone who we would assume has so many years of life left to be living. The fear is real and it says things like “I am afraid I will never know happiness again.” “I don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life.” And it always seems to be screaming from the very depths of the soul “I just want my old life back.”

It takes courage to choose to press on into all the many unknowns of a new year after grief has infected your life. Faith becomes what you choose to act on, how you choose to react, and straining to take those daily baby steps forward when grief is constantly trying to pull you down and defeat you.

Faith is the choice to believe God and to hold fast to what He tells you is true in His word when you can’t even believe what has happened to your life. Faith is not a feeling. In fact, most of the time it seems genuine faith requires doing the opposite of your feelings. It is my hope that genuine acts of faith will lead along a path toward God’s heart mending work in my life. It is my plea to Him that better days of love and happiness are ahead.

Do you ever feel like you have a permanent hole in your heart?

Have you struggled with trusting God since your husband’s death?

In Hope & Prayers,

From This Widow Mama


Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.