The Hole in my Heart
A new year begins and the hole in my heart doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller. I wonder if this is the way that grief will be impacting me for the rest of my life. Will the intense ache for my beloved ever stop feeling like an elephant sized portion of my heart is simply missing? The onset of a new year used to feel so different. It was rich in rejoicing over the blessings of the previous year and filled with hopeful anticipation of future dreams and adventures in the year ahead. Now the new year marks another year survived, an uncertain future, and still a giant hole, when what I really long for is to feel whole.
I know that God is in the business of healing broken things. Yet somehow in the course of praying with every ounce of faith from the ER that I could muster for God to intervene and rescue my sweetheart; And then enduring the traumatic loss when God’s answer was no, I guess I have become less expectant of good gifts coming from his hands. I know He possesses the ability to do absolutely anything He pleases, but on the tough days I find myself in a shaky place that doesn’t expect to ever feel good on the inside again.
A traumatic loss of this magnitude at this young age can feel like such a curse for a young widow. It seems to paint a dark cloud on every single year ahead, which is daunting for someone who we would assume has so many years of life left to be living. The fear is real and it says things like “I am afraid I will never know happiness again.” “I don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life.” And it always seems to be screaming from the very depths of the soul “I just want my old life back.”
It takes courage to choose to press on into all the many unknowns of a new year after grief has infected your life. Faith becomes what you choose to act on, how you choose to react, and straining to take those daily baby steps forward when grief is constantly trying to pull you down and defeat you.
Faith is the choice to believe God and to hold fast to what He tells you is true in His word when you can’t even believe what has happened to your life. Faith is not a feeling. In fact, most of the time it seems genuine faith requires doing the opposite of your feelings. It is my hope that genuine acts of faith will lead along a path toward God’s heart mending work in my life. It is my plea to Him that better days of love and happiness are ahead.
Do you ever feel like you have a permanent hole in your heart?
Have you struggled with trusting God since your husband’s death?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
I can relate to your words. Definitely a permanent hole for me and my son and daughter. My husband passed away unexpectedly and faith has been shaken. I’m trying to navigate change and fear, and the emptiness without him. Thank you for expressing this so beautifully.
I completely understand the experience of shaken faith and fear of the future. I tell myself that the bible is still true. God’s promises are still true even when I don’t feel like it and even when my emotions tell me otherwise. It is such a challenge.
Quite simply, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Yesterday my brother asked if I wanted to do something or just get out of the house. I thanked him but said no. He said he’s sorry I’m sad …
I didn’t have the heart to write back and say I wish I was sad. That would be an improvement.
I just feel … empty.
After a divorce that left me broken, and not being in any relationships for 11 years, I never thought I would find love again. And when I did, we had 4 years …
Not only do I not think I’ll ever find that kind of love again, I really don’t know if I want to. I don’t think I can go through this type of loss again and survive as I’m not even sure I will survive this one …
I pray 🙏🏾 for healing for everyone who is going through this … soul-rending time.
aww I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Heart break upon heart break. Please know I am praying for you. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
That hole in my heart is like the strongest black hole in the universe. I often find myself curled up around the matinees and just feeling whatever life I have left in is being sucked into the hole. Cancer took my husband/lover/best friend of 34 years on November 3. For the last 17 years (except for when My Love was hospitalized) we spent 3 nights apart. He was older than me so I retired when he did, and our life was wonderful. In 2022 I Lost my Dad, my baby brother received a glioblastoma diagnosis and my husband suffered a medical malpractice injury and my mother went through 2 rounds of breast cancer, including mastectomy.. He was just getting better in May 2023 when he was diagnosed with incurable brain mets. I can’t believe someone could tell me that 2024 will be a better year. I see no tomorrow. A “good” day is one where I actually shower and put on clean clothes. I can barely get out of the house – only if absolutely no option. We had so many plans – just trashed.
My prayers are with you. I am so very sorry for the great sorrows and losses you have endured. I am glad you reached out here and shared that with us.
Though I’m older than you, Jim had been my new life after a previous marriage with an angry man. We were so joyful. Together we grew and radiated to others as well.
I feel so similar to you now and I keep wondering is that it? No more happiness.
I prayed day after day for his cancer to be cured, I prayed to have strength and find joy in that time. Now I pray that I find true hope again even though in my heart I feel that perhaps I need to find it. Perhaps prayer is for bigger things, beyond my self? My belief in God is deep and one thing I do know, that can’t be rocked.
I love the way you wrote that. God is deep and can’t be rocked. I am so glad we can cling to Him during the awful storms and losses and traumas of this life. Also so glad to have heaven to look forward to eventually. Thank you for sharing this!