Grief You Are a Thief

 

 

The life of a solo parent is a very challenging one, but perhaps the worst is the realization of all that grief has stolen from you. I wouldn’t have chosen to be a solo-Mama in a million years. I can’t help but wonder what kind of mother I would have been at this stage in my children’s lives if I hadn’t lost my sweetheart and if I weren’t grieving so intensely while parenting. What kind of Mama would I be for my sons if I had the amazing unconditional love and support and partnership of their sweet Daddy, working together as a team, sharing equal responsibility for their growth and development.

I would be a happy Mama. A more secure Mama. A more peaceful Mama.

If death & grief hadn’t come into my life and stolen my happiness, my identity, my emotions, my thoughts, my everything, then my precious babies would have the kind of mother I had always dreamed of being. The kind I had the great privilege of being until my oldest turned five years old.

Grief, you are a cruel thief.

You steal days, weeks, months, and years that should have been things of beauty

and you suffocate them with your darkness.

You extinguish the flames of hope within the human heart.

You are the eraser of twinkles in the eye and the destroyer of dreams.

You fill all the places where love lives and engulf that love with painful thorns.

Grief you are an unwelcome thief who refuses to leave. You have tainted what should have been the most precious years in my life. Young and in love and delighting in being a Mama.

When will you return to me what you have stolen? Perhaps you never will.

After all death was the first thief that brought you here, and it is permanent for the remaining span of time I have been placed upon the earth. Some days it feels so unbearable. Many days it feels so miserable.

There are moments in this solo parenting gig that really knock the wind out of my sails. Like the bedtime routine with my precious sweet boys which can on occasion really test my patience. I’m physically exhausted & emotionally drained from serving the role of two parents while deeply grieving. I was ready to punch the Mommy time clock so that I could just have a few moments of “off duty me time,” long enough to relax and de stress before I wake up and do it all over again. I adore children, especially my own two sweet gifts from God, but let’s face it, sometimes at bedtime children are like herding wild animals. The routines drag on, and patience is tested. In my moments of frustration when I have reached my limits and need to tag out so that I don’t become crabby with my sweet boys…..there is no one to tag out with me.

So stressed or not, I continue. I have to press on.

As with all amazing solo-mamas… you may be feeling tired but it doesn’t matter. No rest for the weary. Feeling sick?–Sorry sister, you are puking alone and even parenting while recuperating.

It amazes me just how many things death and grief take away from us. Yet we press on. Sometimes being a widow feels like walking around wounded except most of the gruesome wounds are internal and not as visible to the average observer. Grief is a thief and I would give everything just to return to the life that I loved before grief stole so much from me.

How has grief been a thief on your journey?

Any solo-mamas out there relate to having their patience tested with no back-up or tag teaming from our husbands?

In Hope & Prayers,

From This Widow Mama

Tags: ,,,,

Dorothy Swanson

Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.

All Posts by Dorothy Swanson